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Monday, 31 October 2011

THE ART OF WAR!!!! SHEEBA ISHTYLE!!!

THERE'S THIS POST DOING THE ROUNDS CURRENTLY WHICH IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF!! FOUR OF MY MALE FRIENDS (THE GENDER IS UNDERSTANDABLE ONCE YOU READ IT BELOW) HAVE FORWARDED IT TO ME IN THE PAST THREE DAYS ON MY BLACKBERRY. IT'S LIKE THE MALE HOLY GRAIL!!THESE ARE THE RULES THEY WANT US ,WOMEN TO LIVE BY!! MY BLOODY LEFT FOOT!! SO, NOT TO BE OUTDONE I HAVE GIVEN MY OWN APPROPRIATE REJOINDERS TO EACH AND EVERY POINT RAISED, SO HERE GOES!!! I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP THE FEMALE FLAG FLYING HIGH SO LET THE WAR GAMES BEGIN!! AMEN!!!

(CAVE) MAN RULES(!!!!):---

1) MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS (FIRST AND FOREMOST RULE).

MY REJOINDER:- WOMEN AREN'T MIND READERS EITHER!! JUST BY "PHULAOING" YOUR FACE AND LOOKING LIKE "GOLGAPPAS" WE CAN'T AUTOMATICALLY DECIPHER WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVEY!!! SO SPELL IT OUT LITERALLY!!!

2) LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP,YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

MY REJOINDER:- YOU MEN ( AND THIS HOLDS TRUE FOR ALL OF YOU IN EVERY AGE BRACKET!) LEARN TO WORK YOUR AIM AND POINT IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PIDDLE INSIDE THE TOILET BOWL AND NOT AROUND IT!! I DON'T AND I MEAN DON'T WANT TO BE ASSAILED WITH STINKY YELLOW PUDDLES THE MOMENT I STEP INSIDE THE BLOODY LOO!!! GET THAT! HOLD THAT DAMN THING WHEN YOU POINT AND PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS AFTERWARDS!! THAT'S WHAT SOAP, WATER AND THE SINK ARE FOR!!!!

3) SUNDAY SPORTS.IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.

MY REJOINDER:- SO IS "NIGELLAS KITCHEN","THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL", "THE VAMPIRE DIARIES" AND "BIG BOSS"!!! WHY DON'T YOU LET THAT BE TOO! WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT WE WILL WATCH WHAT WE PLEASE ON THE T.V!! SO QUIT THE GROANING AND MOANING!! LEAVE THAT FOR BETWEEN THE SHEETS!! STOP BEHAVING AS IF YOU WILL BE PHYSICALLY SICK EVERY TIME THE DARNED IDIOT BOX PLAYS ANY OF THE AFORE MENTIONED PROGRAMS!!!

4) CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

MY REJOINDER:-- TYPICAL MALE REACTION!! WHEN WE SHED TEARS WE ARE GENUINELY MOVED OR TOUCHED OR FRUSTRATED OR SAD OR ANGRY!! WE ARE JUST SO MUCH MORE IN TOUCH WITH OUR FEELINGS AND HAVE NO SHAME IN EXPRESSING THEM. UNLIKE YOU MEN ,WE JUST DON'T BLANK THINGS OUT AND PRETEND THAT EVERY THING'S HUNKY DORY WHEN IT ISN'T. WE ARE SENSITIVE,CARING AND COMPASSIONATE CREATURES WHO REALLY DO CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE AROUND US AND OUR ENVIRONMENT!! SO BOO-HOO TO YOU!!!!!

5) ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!!

MY REJOINDER:-EXACTLY MY POINT!! WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING WORK TOWARDS IT (THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT! AND "SABER/MEHNAT KA FAL HAMESHA MEETHA HOTA HAI" WINK! WINK! YOU FOLKS KNOW WHAT I AM ALLUDING TO! SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK AND OBVIOUS HINTS LIKE GRABBING  PARTS OF OUR ANATOMY LIKE A PRE-PUBESCENT TEENAGER, DEFINITELY DOES NOT WORK AND IN FACT COULD BE QUITE DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR GENERAL HEATH AND WELL BEING!! WELL AIMED AND WELL PLACED KICKS TO THE RIGHT PARTS OF YOUR ANATOMY COULD DO SERIOUS DAMAGE TO YOU, SO BEWARE!!

6) YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

MY REJOINDER:- AGREED!! SO WHEN I SAY NO IT MEANS NO AND NO AMOUNT OF PLEADING/CAJOLING/THROWING A TANTRUM WILL WORK!! IF I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT SILLY CORPORATE EVENT THAT YOUR COMPANY IS SPONSORING I WILL NOT GO!!! SO QUIT WHIMPERING AND FACE IT LIKE THE STRONG MAN YOU PROPOUND TO BE!!! IF I SAY YES IT MEANS YES AND NO AMOUNT OF DOOMS DAY SCENARIOS/BRAIN WASHING/EMOTIONAL ATYACHAR WILL MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND!! SO QUIT YOUR SUPREME COURT ADVOCATE ACT!! AS IT IS YOU ARE DOING A LOUSY JOB AND YES YOU HAVE TO ACCOMPANY ME TO PAMMI AUNTIE'S SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S WEDDING WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE!!!

7) COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

MY REJOINDER:-WHEN WE MARRY YOU,GO THROUGH LABOUR PAINS TO HAVE YOUR BRATTY CHILDREN,TOLERATE YOUR PESKY LEECH TYPE OF RELATIVES, TOLERATE ALL YOUR NOXIOUS FUMES AND EMISSIONS, AT THE VERY LEAST WE EXPECT YOU TO LISTEN TO US WHEN WE HAVE A PROBLEM OR WHEN SOMETHING IS BOGGING US DOWN!! TELL ME LADIES, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??? IN FACT ISN'T THAT WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT? SHARING AND CARING? AND WHEN WE SHARE AND CARE WELL BEYOND WHAT IS DEEMED APPROPRIATE, IS IT UNFAIR TO EXPECT OUR PARTNER TO BE AROUND FOR US WHEN WE JUST WANT TO VENT OR MOUTH OFF OR USE THEM AS A SOUNDING BOARD? NOT EVERY PROBLEM HAS A BLACK AND WHITE SOLUTION! SOMETIMES TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER AND DISCUSSING THE PROS AND CONS OF A SITUATION JUST HELPS IN GIVING US THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE!! SO WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH THAT OR SO EARTH SHATTERING??!! KINDLY SPARE US THE EXASPERATED SIGHS, RAISED EYEBROWS AND THE EYE-BALL ROLLING!! WE CAN DO PLENTY OF THE LATTER IF WE WEREN'T SUCH KIND, GENEROUS/MAGNANIMOUS SOULS!!!

8) ANYTHING WE SAID SIX MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER SEVEN DAYS.

MY REJOINDER:-THIS ONE REALLY SUITS ME FINE!!! THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING UP , FOR INSTANCE,WHAT I SAID TO THE LECHEROUS BITTOO BHAIYA ON OUR SANGEET NIGHT  EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO???!!!AGREED IT CAUSED A MINOR TURBULENCE IN THE FAMILY AND YOUR PREETA MAASI ALMOST HAD A MINI NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BUT THEN WHAT'S DONE IS DONE SO WHY BRING IT UP NOW??? AND JUST TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT IF ANYBODY TRIES TO FEEL UP MY CUTE BOTTOM, HOWEVER CLOSELY RELATED THEY MIGHT BE TO YOU, THEY WILL ALWAYS GET A HARD SPANK ON THEIR HAND AND A HARSH TALKING TO!!!! JUST ACCEPT IT AND BROADCAST IT FAR AND WIDE!!!

9) IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

MY REJOINDER:- WELL,TO THAT I CAN ONLY SAY THAT IF YOU THINK YOU ARE BALD, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US!! AND NOW I WILL NOT CALL UP DR BATRA'S CLINIC FOR YOU (SINCE YOU ARE TOO EMBARASSED) AND LISTEN TO SOME IRRITATING IDIOT WHO KEEPS DRONING ON AND ON FOR THIRTY MINUTES  IN A NASAL VOICE ABOUT SOME MIRACULOUS HAIR GROWING MEDICINE WHICH COMES IN TEN ML BOTTLES COSTING TWENTY GRAND PER BOTTLE!! YOU ARE WELCOME TO MAKE ALL SUCH CALLS YOURSELF!

10) IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY,WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

MY REJOINDER:- BHAI WAH!!! HOW CONVENIENT IS THAT!! ALWAYS TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT AND PRETEND THAT YOU NEVER MEANT TO BE SARCASTIC OR CAUSTIC OR PLAIN NASTY!!! IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO BE THEN WHY DID YOU SAY IT? AND ONCE YOU SAY WHATEVER MEAN/SARCASTIC/CAUSTIC THING THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY THEN WHY CANT YOU STAND YOUR GROUND AND FIGHT IT OUT LIKE A MAN!! WHAT'S ALL THIS YOU ARE TOO HYPER-SENSITIVE BULLSHIT? DON'T BLAME ME FOR YOUR NASTINESS AND REMEMBER EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION!!! BASIC PHYSICS COWBOY!!!!

11) YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING. OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

MY REJOINDER:- PLEASE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT GOD GAVE YOU BRAWN AND US THE FAIRER SEX, THE BRAIN!!!! SO SOMETIMES TO ACCOMPLISH A TASK WE JUST NEED YOUR BRUTE STRENGTH AND ADDED HEIGHT,BUT THE STRATEGY TO ACCOMPLISH THE SAID TASK IS OURS AND ONLY OURS!!! SO GET USED TO FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS AND MOVE THAT FAT ASS PRONTO!!!

12) WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY, DURING COMMERCIALS.

MY REJOINDER:- TO THE ABOVE THEN I WILL SAY THAT WHENEVER YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOMETHING  TO EAT , PLEASE DO SO ONLY DURING THE COMMERCIALS. KINDLY DO NOT KEEP BADGERING AND HARASSING ME TO FIRST GET YOU THE BEER, THEN THE CHIPS,THEN THE BLOODY DAHI GARLIC DIP, THEN THE ROASTED MASALA PEANUTS AND THEN THE BUTTER LOVERS POPCORN AND SO ON AND SO FORTH!!! LEARN TO HELP YOURSELF! A LITTLE EXERCISE CAN'T POSSIBLY HARM YOU. MAY IN FACT BE GOOD FOR YOU.

13) CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

MY REJOINDER:- CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WAS AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!! YOU ARE NOT!! YOU ARE THE RULE AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE PATHETIC ROAD SENSE!! JUST BY GOING ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES WE WILL NOT REACH OUR DARNED DESTINATION!! THERE'S NO HARM IN JUST STOPPING A PASSERBY AND ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!! IN FACT WE WILL VOLUNTEER TO DO IT FOR YOU IF WE ARE WITH YOU IN THE SAME VEHICLE ,IF ONLY YOU COULD  SWALLOW YOUR FRAGILE EGO AND PRIDE FOR A MOMENT AND ADMIT THAT YOU ARE LOST!!!

14) ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16  COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

MY REJOINDER:- OKAY WE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE COLOR BLIND BUT THEN AT LEAST LET US HELP YOU IN OVERCOMING THIS HANDICAP!!!BY BLINDLY REFUTING EVERY COLOR IDEA WE PROPOSE, DOESN'T REALLY HELP YOUR CASE!! OPEN YOUR MIND AND EYES AND SEE THE WORLD IN ALL IT'S MYRIAD HUES!

15) IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.

MY REJOINDER:-IF YOU FOLLOW THE BASIC RULES OF HYGIENE IT WILL NOT ITCH!! WE GUARANTEE THAT!! ALL THAT YOU HAVE DO IS USE THAT LOOFAH AND FANCY BODY GEL GRACING YOUR BATHROOM CABINET!! IN FACT THAT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO AFTER SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS ( GOD ALONE KNOWS DOING WHAT!!) IN THE LOO!!!

16) IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY  "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

 MY REJOINDER:-WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER!! SO HENCEFORTH IF THE SITUATION IS REVERSED WE WILL ACT IN EXACTLY THE SAME MANNER AND NOT ALLOW YOU TO DO A "BHEJA-FRY" WITH US. WE WILL PRETEND THAT ALL'S WELL WITH THE WORLD! YOUR FEELINGS AND FLUCTUATING MOODS BE DAMNED!!

17) IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

MY REJOINDER:- AGREED!!! SO NOW DON'T KEEP ASKING ME IF YOUR PAUNCH IS STICKING OUT IN YOUR PINK SHIRT!! I AM SICK TO DEATH OF PUSSY FOOTING AROUND YOU ON ALL TOPICS CONCERNING YOUR VANITY!! I WILL TELL YOU THEN THAT YOU ARE LOOKING TWELVE MONTHS PREGNANT WITH QUADRUPLETS!! DON'T THEN ROAM AROUND WITH A HANG DOG EXPRESSION AND MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY!!

18) WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

MY REJOINDER:- THIS ONE REALLY MAKES ME LAUGH BECAUSE ITS SUCH A LOAD OF CRAP!!!!UTTER AND TOTAL BULLSHIT!! YOU CENSOR OUR CLOTHES NON-STOP WHEN WE GET DRESSED TO GO TO A PARTY!!!SO TO SAVE TIME AND EFFORT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE US TO BLOODY WEAR!! ITS LIKE A RUNNING CRICKET COMMENTARY--THIS DRESS IS TOO SHORT/TOO TIGHT, YOUR CLEAVAGE IS SHOWING/YOUR ASS IS SHOWING/SOMETIMES EVEN YOUR ARMS ARE SHOWING, THE LIPSTICK IS TOO RED/ THE BLUSH IS TOO PINK/THE PERFUME IS TOO STRONG!! WHAT THE SHIT? WHY DON'T WE JUST MIGRATE TO SAUDI ARABIA AND I WILL ONLY WEAR HIJAABS WITH SEQUINS WITH ONLY MY KOHL LINED EYES SHOWING!!

19) DON'T ASK US WHAT WE RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS TOPICS SUCH AS FOOTBALL OR CRICKET.

MY REJOINDER:-WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!! PERIOD!!! IT JUST DRIVES OUR BLOOD PRESSURE UP!!OUR WORLD CAN BE COLLAPSING AROUND US-THE MAID ELOPES WITH THE DRIVER, THE COOK RUNS AWAY, TERMITES TAKE UP PERMANENT RESIDENCE IN OUR LIVING ROOM, BRAT NUMBER ONE FAILS MATHS , BRAT NUMBER TWO HAS BOILS ALL OVER HIS BODY BUT ALL THAT YOU BLOODY THINK OF IS GOLF OR FOOTBALL OR CRICKET!!! HOW WOULD SUCH MUNDANE/DOMESTIC ISSUES BOTHER YOU!!

20) YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

MY REJOINDER:- YOU HAVE ENOUGH GREY STRIPED SUITS!! SO  KINDLY IMMEDIATELY ABORT PLANS OF ADDING A FIFTEENTH ONE TO YOUR RATHER EXHAUSTIVE YET DRAB COLLECTION. PLUS YOUR SUIT DEFINITELY COSTS MORE THAN MY DRESS!! SO PLEASE ZIP UP ON THIS ONE!!

21) YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

MY REJOINDER:-SO DO YOU!! PLUS YOU HAVE THE MORE EXPENSIVE TOD'S AND L.V VARIETY!! WE MAKE DO WITH ZARA, NINE WEST AND ALDO!!!

22) I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE.

MY REJOINDER:-FINE!! THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP AND ACCEPT THAT I AM A SHAPE TOO-APPLE, PEAR WHATEVER!! WHAT IS THIS HOUR-GLASS FIGURE YOU KEEP BLABBERING ABOUT!!!DOUBLE STANDARDS TO THE NTH DEGREE!!! IT'S NOT HAPPENING AND IT'S NOT FAIR. SO KINDLY QUIT GLARING AT ME EVERY TIME I REACH OUT FOR A PARANTHA OR A PASTRY! CURVES ARE IN AND I AM VERY CURVACEOUS!!!