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Monday, 24 October 2011

"GHANTA AAL ISS WELL!!! "

I SAY THE ABOVE SPECIFICALLY WHEN ONE OR MORE OF THE BELOW HAPPENS:--

  • WHEN BRAT NUMBER TWO DOESN'T GIVE ME A WET SLOPPY KISS THE MOMENT HE WAKES UP AND TELLS ME "MOTU, I LOVE YOU".
  • WHEN YOU WALK OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM DOOR IN THE MORNING FEELING ALL FRESH AND CHEERY AND READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD, THE FIRST THING THAT ASSAILS YOUR VERY FINELY TUNED SENSES IS A FOUL STENCH AND THEN A CONSIDERABLE MOUND OF ROMEOS (MY LABRADOR,S) POOP ON YOUR RATHER EXPENSIVE SILK CARPET. YOU RUSH BACK INTO YOUR BATHROOM FIRST TO THROW UP AND THEN TO GINGERLY SUMMON SOME POOR MINION TO CLEAN UP THE MESS! WHAT A START TO A BEAUTIFUL,SUNNY DAY!!! 
  • WHEN SANTOSH (MY LIVING IN LA-LA LAND COOK) MUCKS UP YET ANOTHER CUP OF DARJEELING TEA FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME!! HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPLAINED TO HIM PATIENTLY AND NOT SO PATIENTLY THAT DARJEELING TEA ONLY NEEDS TWO DROPS OF MILK YET HE INSISTS ON DROWNING IT IN MILK!! IT TASTES WORSE THAN ANY DISHWATER IN EXISTENCE!!! MIGHT AS WELL DRINK DISHWATER-I AM SURE IT WILL TASTE BETTER THAN THIS CLOUDY,MURKY MESS!
  • WHEN ANYONE NAMED PRINCE OR BITTU OR TITTU IS ADDRESSING ME AND GIVING ME INGRATIATING SMILES PREFIXING AND SUFFIXING EVERY SENTENCE WITH "MADAMJEEE".
  • WHEN YOU HEAR "DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE" WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SECOND AND ARE GETTING LATE FOR A GODDAMN DENTAL APPOINTMENT/PARENT TEACHERS MEETING/TORTURE SESSION WITH YOUR PERSONAL TRAINER/BIKINI WAX AT THE LOCAL SALON!!!! 
  • WHEN VODAFONE/AIRTEL KEEP CALLING YOU INCESSANTLY FOR SOME BILL PAYMENT WHICH HAPPENED SIX MONTHS AGO AND KEEP INSISTING ON YOU GIVING THEM  THE BLOODY CHEQUE NUMBER!!! I COULD COMMIT MURDER IN COLD BLOOD IN THAT INSTANT!!!
  • WHEN CITIBANK/STANDARD CHARTERED BANK KEEPS CALLING YOU AND THRUSTING SOME FESTIVAL LOAN SCHEME DOWN YOUR THROAT AT SOME OBSCENE RATE OF INTEREST!!!! I DON'T NEED YOUR GODDAMN LOANS!! I WILL SURVIVE!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
  • WHEN THE DAY STARTS OUT WITH THE HYSTERICAL ANTICS OF "SHINCHAN", "DORAEMON AND NOBITA" OR ANY OTHER ANIMATED CHARACTER ON T.V AT FULL VOLUME!!!! WHY LORD WHY ARE WE SUBJECTED TO THIS NOW??!! WHAT ABOUT GOOD OLD "TOM AND JERRY"!! BUT I BELIEVE THE POOR CAT AND MOUSE ARE COMPLETELY PASSE THESE DAYS SO HAVE TO ENDURE WITH GRITTED TEETH THE BEFORE MENTIONED ODD-BALLS!! 
  • WHEN YOU GET INTO THE CAR, OUTRAGEOUSLY LATE AS USUAL, TO DROP THE BRATS OFF TO SCHOOL AND THE BLOODY CAR WONT START!!THE CAR IS NOT TO BLAME! IT HAS BEEN WARNING YOU REPEATEDLY IN THE PAST TWO DAYS THAT ITS RUNNING ON RESERVE WHILE YOU HAVE BEEN STOICALLY IGNORING THE MAD BLINKING YELLOW/RED LIGHT RUSHING AROUND SHOPPING AND MEETING AND GREETING !!! SO OBVIOUSLY EVERY LITTLE DROP OF FUEL HAS BEEN SQUEEZED OUT OF IT AND NOW IT JUST WONT EVEN START!!! WANT TO SCREAM BLUE MURDER!! ANOTHER ENFORCED "CHUTTI" TODAY!!! THE BRATS ARE THRILLED!! 
  • WHEN YOU ORGANIZE YOUR PURSE FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME THIS WEEK  AND STILL CANT FIND YOUR KEYS OR WALLET OR PHONE!!! BHAGWAAN BACHALO!!!
  • WHEN YOU SPEND MORE THAN YOU MAKE AND YOUR CREDIT CARD STATEMENT IS A MILE LONG FILLED WITH ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE CHARGES FROM "ZARA","MANGO","ALDO","NINE WEST" ETC AND YOU HAVE TO HIDE IT FROM HUBBY DEAREST LIKE SOME ILLICIT LOVE LETTER!!! 
  • WHEN THE GORGEOUS BABY PINK STILETTOS FIT LIKE A GLOVE IN THE STORE BUT START TO HURT LIKE CRAZY WHEN YOU ARE ALL DOLLED UP FOR A PARTY AND WALKING OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. YOU SPEND THE REST OF THE EVENING HOBBLING AROUND WITH A PAINED SMILE AND APPLYING BAND-AIDS ON EVERY INCH OF YOUR FOOT!!! THAT IS IF YOU HAVE THE FORESIGHT TO CARRY THE BAND-AIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! 
  • WHEN YOUR RAPIDLY EXPANDING ARSE WONT FIT INTO THE TWENTY GRAND  "TRUE RELIGION"JEANS THAT YOU JUST BOUGHT LAST MONTH!!!
  • WHEN THE SKIMPY HALTER DRESS THAT YOU JUST BOUGHT FROM "FRENCH CONNECTION" WONT EVEN BUDGE DOWN YOUR SHOULDERS! CRAP!! AND ONCE YOU FINALLY OVERCOME THE SHOULDER HURDLE AFTER MUCH HUFFING AND PUFFING, IT ENCOUNTERS THE NEXT LOGICAL ROAD BLOCK (OUT OF A SENSE OF MODESTY WILL NOT SPECIFICALLY SAY WHICH ONE)!!THAT'S IT! ITS A NO GO!!ITS JUST NOT HAPPENING HOWEVER MUCH I PULL AND TUG! HAVE TO ABANDON MY FUTILE EFFORTS!! HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU GO FROM 34 D TO 40 F IN ONE WEEK!!! BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION AND ANY LOGICAL EXPLANATION!! AT LEAST WILL NEVER NEED ANY TYPE OF AUGMENTATION SURGERY!! AT LAST SOME MONEY SAVED!! YIPPEE!
  • WHEN THE HOLIDAYS STRETCH OUT ENDLESSLY AND YOU HAVE TO CONSTANTLY KEEP TWO VERY SULKY,GROUCHY,RUDE BRATS ENTERTAINED WHO ARE PERPETUALLY BORED!!WHAT HAPPENED TO JUST PICKING UP A BOOK AND READING!! "BOOK??? WHATS THAT??!! WOH KIS JEEV/JANTU/PRANI KA NAAM HAI" RETORT THE BRATS!!! SIGH! I GIVE UP!! I AM TAKING SANYAS AND RETREATING TO THE MOUNTAINS!! ANYONE JOINING ME TO KEEP ME COMPANY?! 
  • WHEN YOU ARE ON A DIET AND ARE JUST SUPPOSED TO INGEST BOILED VEGETABLES AND GRILLED CHICKEN, YOU ARE ASSAULTED BY MUTTON BIRYANI,RAARHA GOSHT, BUTTER CHICKEN,DAAL MAKHANI, SHAHI PANEER AND BUTTER, GARLIC NAAN!! I AM MOANING IN AGONY NOW!! THERE GOES THE GODDAMN DIET AND THE GODDAMN WAIST LINE!!" KHAO PIYO MAST RAHO YAAR", I SAY TO MYSELF! I PROMISE I WILL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE TOMORROW--ONE THATS NOT SO CHEERY AND PLEASANT! MORE ON THE LINES OF "MAAR DAALA, ALLAH! MAAR DAALA" A LA  MADHURI DIXIT IN THE MOVIE "DEVDAS".
  • WHEN PAMMI AND PREETA AUNTIES DECIDE TO DROP IN UNANNOUNCED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON BEARING DIWALI GOODIES!! THEY CATCH ME  IN A RATHER DEBAUCHED STATE -LET ME HASTILY ADD, AS PER THEIR RATHER LOFTY STANDARDS-WEARING SHORTS, SMOKING AN OCCASIONAL SMOKE AND DOWNING ENDLESS JUGS OF SANGRIA WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS!! I HAVE HAD IT!! THERE GOES MY SATI-SAVITRI, FEET TOUCHING, IDEAL BAHU IMAGE!!  ITS IRREDEEMABLE NOW!! I AM NOW FOREVER CLASSIFIED AS THE WANTON SHREW WHO DRINKS AND SMOKES AND ROAMS AROUND "NANGU-PANGU" WEARING "KACHCHAS" IN THE HOUSE!! 
  • WHEN MY DEAREST MOM CALLS ME FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME IN TWO DAYS REMINDING ME OF THE INDRAPRASTHA PIPED GAS CONNECTION WHICH I MUST PROCURE AND THE HOMEOPATHIC PILLS I MUST POP TO WARD OFF MY MIGRAINES!! I WISH SHE WOULD COMPREHEND THAT MOST OF THE TIMES SHE'S THE REASON FOR MY MIGRAINES! IF ONLY SHE WOULD STOP NAGGING ME I WOULD GET THE TIME TO POP THE BLESSED PILLS AND PROCURE THE SAID GAS CONNECTION!
  • WHEN AFTER A RIGOROUS AND TORTUROUS PERSONAL TRAINING SESSION LASTING AN HOUR AND A HALF WITH MY SADISTIC AND VERY HITLER TYPE TRAINER, HE JUST CASUALLY MENTIONS THAT "THODA CARDIO BHI KARO LO, AADHA-EK GHANTE KE LIYE". GOD! HELP! THIS CANT BE HAPPENING! I AM READY TO COLLAPSE AND BE CARRIED HOME ON A STRETCHER AND HE WANTS ME TO EXERCISE SOME MORE!!