CHAMAK-CHALLO!! YEAH I CONFESS! I WANT THAT TO BE ME!!

Hi folks! How's everybody doing? Haven't written in a while -well that's because i have been too busy- socialising!!! Eating,drinking,gossipping,shopping and yes thankfully also working out!! And miracles of miracles have finally lost some weight-Yippee! Yay! Yay! Will finally fit into the dratted minuscule dress that i bought in London many aeon's ago which cost a bloody bomb and which for so many months just sat in my closet mocking me every time i even looked at it calling me fatty! Moti! Tondu-mal!Tun-Tun! And even refused to budge down my bloody shoulders!! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Well,i am happy to inform you that finally i will be able to don that bitch of a dress  and preen in it without sucking/holding my breath and almost dying of suffocation in the process, for hopefully some grand New Years eve bash, wherever it happens!Just keeping my fingers crossed that it (the bash) actually happens and I'm not stuck at home with two surly kids, a forever grouchy husband,Doordarshan and Domino's pizza!! Please someone invite me for a party!!! Sob! Sob!! Just kidding folks and putting on my usual tragedy queen act!!

 Actually my social calender is bursting at the seams and my driver-Mr. Shivnarayan- is thoroughly fed up of me!! He's totally sick of carting me from place A to place B to place C and back to place A and wistfully talks with any one who cares to listen about the good-ole days when he was doing sahib's duty instead of memsahib's who's nothing but a social butterfly (please appreciate my honesty! ahem!ahem!) and as to how seedha his sahib is and how hard working and how easy its to do sahib's duty which just involves ferrying the grouchy sahib to and fro from office--baaki time chutti Shivnarayanji ke liye-kharantey maaro seat neechey karke ya radio suno aur bhuna mungfali khao!!

Anyway, who cares about the ruddy driver-he can take a hike in the nearest woods he can find or go fly a kite or whatever takes his fancy!!Touch wood ,i am just feeling very good these days. I think it's got to do something with the weather--winters in Delhi are just awesome! It's cold but not too cold and everything looks so fresh and green and lovely. I love wearing my stockings, tights, boots and mufflers and just heading out in the middle of the day to some nice,outdoorsy place for lunch or coffee or just dessert! I love sitting outdoors in  the meetha-meetha dhoop as my darling naani calls it and chatting nineteen to the dozen with my girlfriends! We talk about everything and believe me we eat everything!

My darling friend, Sexy Shal,will vouch for it!! She gets amazed when we meet for our monthly girlie lunches ,at the quantum and variety of food we ingest!! We would put the Romans to shame! How we feast and drink as if there's no tomorrow!!! The poor gal is left dumbfounded and stuffed to the gills!! She says that she cant bear to have a morsel of food for two days after we meet because she has binged so much with us!! Maybe will now give her a strip of Pudin-hara or Zentac as a back present from the girlie-lunches! But what the hell! My motto in life is to khao,piyo aur mast raho!Dieting-shieting mein kya rakha hain! The more you deprive yourself the more you want of the deprived goody!

 So eat well,don't deny yourself and work out regularly!That's it! That's the mantra of looking good and feeling happy! Hate the look of those anorexic,waif thin,haggard looking auntie types roaming around in their size-zero figures and size-negative grey matter! "Nahi ji hum toh sirf do patey salad ke hi khakar kush hain"! What bullshit! Is it just about your bloody weight? What about the glow on your face or the radiance of your persona which comes through when you are truly contented,well fed and satisfied?? Cant figure it out! Anyway each to their own! Why should i care!! I toh will have my soup,salad ,pasta and chocolate lava cake! So what if later i get my arse kicked in by my very dhookhi trainer at the gym!! It's worth it!! I am worth it!!

Another thing that i am coming to terms with is that i am not going to feel guilty anymore about splurging or pampering or indulging myself or having a good time! What the hell! Why the shit not?? Am i just a wife or mom or daughter or sister??!!Is that my only identity??No, a resounding no!! I am not just that! I am also a woman-a human-being with my own individuality and opinions and eccentricities!I am me and now i am not going to apologise or be sheepish or be embarrassed about anything that's me!!This is the way i am-take it or leave it honey! The choice is yours! I deserve to be irreverent,silly, frivolous and superfluous at times! I am so sick of being the mature,serious ,responsible adult all the time-of having to live up to expectations-of always wanting to set a good example! It's just so exhausting and draining! Sometimes it feels so good to be bad,to be naughty,to be bitchy,to be selfish!Being the good girl always, is such a weight on ones shoulders and one which i am not willing to carry all the time! I deserve some time off-we all need a break to recharge and re-energise and indulge the devil within!! Don't u think?? We all deserve to have some fun and keep our basic spirit alive! 

 I now want to let my hair down and have a ball. I want to be stupid and funny and immature. I want to laugh at me and make other people laugh with me. I want to enjoy my life and whatever years of youth that are left. In either case,another decade and i am over the hill! So i want to hold on desperately to whatever vestige of high spirits and effervescence that's left in me. I want to party and i want to dance and i want to have a ball. I want to make up (with girlfriends who i have fought with and past boy friends who i have broken up with) and make out ( preferably with George Clooney or Farhan Akhtar types!! Ha! Ha! Just kidding!)!

I want to run,jump and skip.I don't want to be told what to do and how to do it and to hold back!I want to let go and be let off! I want to do and then maybe think. I don't want to worry or fret or fume! I want to be brash,rash,spontaneous and impulsive. I am sick to death of planning ,prioritising and scheduling.  I want to dance to Chamak-challo and frankly now i want to be a Chamak-challo!!I want to be pretty and sexy and have gals envying me and guys drooling after me!! I care a rats ass if people think i am going through a mid-life crisis  and trying to relive my youth! So what?! It's only mid-life and not end-life!!!!! Khao,piyo,jiyo aur bajao (gaana i meant! you sick,naughty people!!) Get a life people!! Stop being slaves!!

So go out, feel the sunshine on your face,breathe in the fresh air, eat,drink,make merry,make love,laugh,smile,cry!! Live and do not just exist!!! It will all be over too soon my friend!!!Make the final act count! Be loved and missed and remembered!! Be unforgettable because that's what you deserve!

"MUJHSE FRAINNDSHEEP KAROGE?"

I have decided that i want to go back to Kindergarten.God! How simple life was then...take for example the process of making friends in Kindergarten,you simply approached the nearest person your age and said "hi,want to play? And ta-da! You had yourself a new best friend,it was as easy as that. No judgement,no interrogation,just unbiased friendship and trust,right from the start. There were no fears of how you looked,no wondering what to say,what you could have in common or what they would think of you,it was simple and innocent.

Now i am by no means a shy or reticent person,i have no issue with chatting with anyone,anywhere at anytime.I am genuinely interested in other people and how they are doing. I quite pride myself as a people's person. I am good at small talk and can easily carry on conversations but unlike in kindergarten moving from small talk to friendship does not come as easily for adults. You cannot very well walk up to a stranger and say , "hi,i am lonely or bored! wanna play with me?" In fact that's a sure shot way of inviting trouble and lots of it especially in "sadi dilli" where everything is taken as a double entrende and i would most definitely be permanently labelled as a "chaloo-cheez." 

The innocence of our childhood and the instant trust wears off quickly as we grow older. Friends stab us in the back,the news fills our heads with the negative outcomes of getting close to strangers and self doubts causes us to hold ourselves back for fear of rejection or being mis-understood or being taken for a ride. No longer do we look at other people as potential friends or buddies,we judge,we criticise and keep our distance.Not only does maturity change us,our lives but the world around us has changed too. We have become more bitter,hardened and cynical. We view everything and everyone with suspicion.

What does it matter? Why am i rambling on about making friends you ask? Well i will tell you why. To be perfectly honest, i am bored out of my skull being the ideal mom and the glamorous corporate wife to my high flying hubby. I think somewhere along the line i have lost my essence-the essence of being Sheeba-of being me! My individuality has disappeared and most times i operate on auto-pilot. My life is mundane,routine and very yawn worthy. There's nothing which motivates me or inspires me anymore to push myself to be the best that i can be. I have literally seen it all and done it all-well almost all!!! I have to confess that i am not an adrenalin junkie so haven't gone bungee jumping or white water rafting or jumped from aeroplanes just wearing a parachute or gone deep sea diving!! But those things don't interest me and are not my cup of tea so i don't miss them.

But yes i miss going to some exotic village in Europe and just getting lost there-of not having a plan or an agenda-of just soaking in the ambiance,the culture,just sitting in a cafe having a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and observing people as they scurry about doing their day's business. I miss that sense of freedom,of trust,of having no worries,of just chilling and relaxing and just being. I miss smiling at people and just engaging in idle chatter with random people-male or female,old or young-doesn't matter. It's about the human connect-everything has become so automated these days. Even if one wants to share something with a loved one, we prefer to text or e-mail rather than just meeting face to face or picking up the phone to chat.

The human connect is all about making eye contact,sharing experiences and feelings,to learn about things that i am not aware of or acquainted with. I want people to understand me,people to see me for who i really am, i want people who can trust me and whom i can trust. I don't want to pretend or posture or pose or preen in the typical "delhite" fashion. I just want to be me without the charade or the facade which our society imposes on us!!

I am also sick to death of worrying about what people will think of me if i just strike up a  conversation with a stranger. I don't want anybody to think that i have an ulterior motive or that there's more to it than meets the eye or that I'm sick of my marriage and looking for a fling!!! Please don't be shocked-some people do think like that-they feel that if an attractive woman is smiling or chatting with you then she's easy game-"chokri pett gayi hain." Sick and repulsive! What they don't understand is that i just want to connect even if it's through a simple nod or a casual chat. It may seem silly or possibly pointless to you but for me it is akin to doing my good deed for the day. A smile is a sign of an open heart and clean mind.Friendship can cure a lot of ills and drive away loneliness and can renew you and re-energise you.

 So i have decided that i am going to completely ignore the "ghattis and cheapos" and their loose talk and as i walk down the street or mall or take my kids to their bus-stop or work out in the gym or wait at the dentists or sit alone having a cup of tea at Barista,i will smile. I will try and make friends where i can and where appropriate and brighten people's day through tiny/minuscule gestures because as they say God is in the details!! We are so quick to criticise but tell me honestly how many of us are that quick to praise or appreciate??!

I would rather say something nice that brings a smile to your face than say something that hurts or pinches you!Big bloody deal!No body's perfect and that's why we are human- so then why not try and ignore the negatives which we all have and focus more on the positives!I will definitely try to do so and will remember that making a difference means doing things that are both big and small and that sometimes it is the smallest of gestures that make the biggest impact on our lives.

NOW IT'S GOING TO BE ALL ABOUT ME!!!!

I think i have finally come to terms with the realisation that i am getting older or lets put it more delicately getting more mature with the advancing years-i don't think that's very delicate but what the hell!! A spade is a spade is a spade!! This shocking information came to light in the form of my recent birthday party which turned out to be quite a rocking affair but i have decided that in the future i want a quieter celebration ceremony. I would just rather go out with my family including our parents and kids to a favourite restaurant for dinner and maybe crack open a bottle of champagne and really spend quality time with my loved ones and talk and chat and laugh and discuss and really build some enduring,everlasting memories.

Another thing that really gets me bogged down these days is getting dressed to go out. It usually takes me two hours and nineteen outfit changes and causes considerable irritation to Mr. C who is expected to give a running commentary as i try and model each outfit, desperately seeking his approval !!! Some clothes that i had purchased, suddenly look baggy and frumpy and others look too tight and short/slutty. Oh! the dilemmas of having a closet full of clothes. Another aspect that really makes me feel that i am past my "use by date" is the fact that i can't wear my killer heels anymore for sustained periods of time.I used to be able to run in them till a few years back or at least dance the night away!! Now in a couple of hours of wearing them, i am cringing and grimacing and dying to get rid of them!!

 I have decided now that i would rather be comfortable than be sexy!! That's actually my new mantra! Comfort over looks any day! But it's quite sad though, because even if i blow my own trumpet, i have the most awesome collection of stilettos!! I have them in all colours-black being the most predominant but i also have red,fuchsia,turquoise,yellow,green,various shades of brown,golden,silver and every other colour conceivable. They are my pride and joy. In fact, my shoe wardrobe is ten times better and more extensive than my dress wardrobe because i always believe that shoes or let's say the right accessories can make or break an outfit!!I have so many times worn the simplest of dresses with the most gorgeous heels and have got compliments galore!! I think wearing heels just improves your posture and figure! But sigh!! those days are firmly in the past!!

Well back to my current birthday party-it actually got me thinking of my younger days. In those golden!!! days , i probably would have dressed to the nines (the nines being a tight,short,flashy,trashy dress with strappy,sparkly,shamefully uncomfortable stilettos and not much else!!) I would have danced too much,drank too much,laughed too much,maybe flirted a little and probably would have woken up on the bathroom floor in a mess with a raging headache and blistered feet. Not a very pretty sight indeed! This seems to be the general pattern of my birthdays in my "younger years". So although it maybe depressing to admit that age and maturity are finally catching up with me after two kids, and countless lessons learnt, i can proudly say that i awoke on the day after my birthday comfortably in bed! No major headache,no hangover and certainly no mess to clean up. I guess growing up is not all that bad at all!!

The flip side to the above is that now i feel i have lost my zest for life somewhere,that chutzpah that people found attractive and appealing about me is gone,disappeared,evaporated!!That madness, the craziness,the daring,that never say die spirit is missing! I was always up and game for anything,my enthusiasm and joie-de-verve was infectious!!Sometimes when i think back to years ago, i wonder with some tinge of forlornness that what happened to that young woman with big dreams and even bigger drive? I wonder where that part of me went that wanted to achieve greatness? I know the dreams are still in me but i excuse them at the drop of a hat....i push them aside with the justification that i have children who need me,responsibilities to tend to. I convince myself that my dreams are unachievable and that is a terrible thing to do to yourself.

These days i aim for passable rather than perfection. I strive to have happy kids, rather than make the kids of Africa happy!! I don't jump for joy at some good news or hoot and holler and wail when sometimes i hear bad news! I still have goals...they are just simpler and often seem unrewarding in a sense. I try and get things done little by little and force myself through each day. I try to smile and make others smile around me. It actually makes me feel despondent that everything i do has to be a concerted effort! The things that i took for granted earlier don't come naturally to me anymore,that i have to push,goad and motivate myself to do every goddamn little thing!!Pissing off!!

So this year, i remind myself that yes although i have kids who need my care,love and attention to be happy, i also need to be happy as well. I need to remember that the happier i am,the better i will be as a parent. I need to remind myself that sometimes life can wait and that dreams no matter how big or small are worth at least trying to achieve.The worst that can happen is failure and even failure is a lesson learnt,thus success in some sense.

 So i have decided that the next year is going to be all about me because i deserve at least one year of attention i think!!I am going to quit making excuses for myself and do what makes me happy,even if it seems hard or wrong for you!! Like a stuck,scratchy record i will reiterate,that right and wrong is very subjective and frankly now i care a damn!! I will do what's right for me and not what's right in the eyes of the world!! It's my life and i will live it as i see fit-the disapproving faces and tongues can butt out!!