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Monday, 3 October 2011

THE AUNTIE SYNDROME

So I'm sick of the "auntie" syndrome currently afflicting the Indian society.I'm auntie to any and everybody under the age of twenty five (thank god for small mercies! would have killed myself if someone in their thirties had referred to me as auntie!). So it's auntie this and auntie that to which i respond by giving an absolutely fake n synthetic smile and mumbling something over-conscientious whereas in my heart I'm truly stewing and bubbling and muttering immutterables!


So I'm auntie to the hulking giants (who weigh at least 200 pounds and are at least 6feet 3 inches tall) who visit my home regularly in the guise of being buddies with brat number 1! But all they want from their beloved auntie is actually "pait pooja" literally "worship of the stomach"-in simpler language-food and lots of it! So poor auntie has to say goodbye to her budget and all the weekly groceries in the chilled and the not so chilled section of the fridge!

It starts with snacks-light ones as classified by the hulking giants-cookies,cakes,chips,fizzy drinks etc then it progresses to the heavy snacks-samosa,cutlets,grilled sandwiches with tea, coffee etc and then astonishingly its meal time-lunch or dinner depending on time of day!! So then poor auntie goes to the kitchen and speaks to the cook-poor Santosh who by now has a permanent long suffering look on his face quite akin to the latest tragedy queens (in bollywood)! To make his point even more lucid he keeps muttering "hi ram didi! kitna khaate hain"!


So then in this case poor didi (sister)offers him all the mental and emotional support and succour he needs to rustle up a meal in under thirty minutes for the giants with the insatiable appetites! There's another curious syndrome afflicting the Indian society! One can't make just a one dish meal-its tabboo and frowned upon-it has to be at least three to four dishes starting with staples like chavaal or roti with lentils ,proteins like chicken or lamb followed by a "sukha" or "geela "vegetable! It's enough to drive anyone mad! Poor Santosh not withstanding!


Anyway after all this feasting or fasting (depending on who's commenting) auntie now has to organise activities to keep the giants entertained. So it could be something simple as switching on the projector for them to catch the latest "mar-dhar" (action) film or more complicated like giving advice on their respective,pathetic love lives! They always want aunty's perspective! So it's always like she did this and she did that and she said this and she said that and does it all add up to whether she likes me or not! Poor auntie tries to mumble something vaguely sympathetic whereas all that she really wants to do is strangle them and tell the concerned giant "dude! man up! get a bloody life! all your thoughts should not be revolving around flighty,flimsy, erratic, bird brained 16 year old girls."


So after this long drawn out auntie episode i fervently pray to the dear lord above to grant me reprieve for at least a couple of days! But no such luck! Auntie is required again and this time by the driver's much married with two kids daughter! Auntie to the rescue with her messed up locks and gentle smile and flowing cape(figuratively)!Actually must get a cape similar to Superman's with the word auntie emblazoned across it in bold letters!!

 After all I'm actually performing the same service as Superman! I am solving the perils of my fellow human-beings and providing them succour in their time of need. Anyways mad musings aside auntie drops whatever productive task shes doing and rushes across to help with a beatific smile on her face! The driver's daughter wants some family planning advice as her husband goes at her like a rabbit on heat and she is not "mantally" prepared to have another bawling,snotty baby yet again! So auntie puts on her most serious and officious expression and makes her go through all her options!


Then after having done her good deed of the day aunty retires to her bed-chamber to ponder the world's imponderables and start's mentally visualising the cape she will get designed by the neighborhood "darzi" (tailor for all you angrez types). Should the color scheme of the dratted cape be red and gold(aunty's fave colors) or black and silver(very classy and enigmatic)?? Thankfully while pondering this acute dilemma aunty drifts off into a peaceful snooze till she's summoned again and this time by the "chowkidaar's" grandson!!! Shucks! AuntIE rouses from her deep slumber offering up another silent prayer and hoping fervently that at least he hasn't come for "loove" or the "sax" advice!!!


So i hope you now get the drift folks and the reason of my acute apathy to the word aunty!!! Please spare me lord! Just Sheeba or Mrs.C sounds so much better and impersonal and doesn't give the false impression to the person addressing me that I'm beholden to help them in solving their life's travails!!!