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Monday, 17 October 2011

MY MOMMY AND BUTTER,PEPPER, GARLIC CRAB!!!!

WELL I HAVE TO BE HONEST HERE, EVEN IF IT GETS ME INTO MAJOR TROUBLE!! MY MOM'S NOT BEEN VERY FAITHFUL AND LOYAL TO MY DAD. SECRETLY SHE HAS BEEN LUSTING,CRAVING,AGONISING!!! SHE HAS BEEN PASSIONATELY IN LOVE AND HAVING A TORRID LOVE AFFAIR WITH -YOU GUESSED IT-BUTTER,PEPPER,GARLIC CRAB SINCE THE LAST COUPLE OF DECADES!!! AND SIZE DEFINITELY MATTERS HERE-THE BIGGER THE BETTER, THE BIGGER THE JUICIER,THE BIGGER THE MORE BUTTER USED!! HOPE YOU GET THE DRIFT!! NOW THE PROBLEM BEING THAT OBVIOUSLY IN HER GREED SHE ORDERS FROM THE MENU THE MOST OBSCENE LOOKING ONE  BUT THE SIZE OF HER STOMACH DOESN'T MAGICALLY EXPAND TO ACCOMMODATE THE LUST-WORTHY,SACRED CRAB.IT REMAINS EXACTLY THE SAME!! THOUGH SECRETLY MY DEAREST MOMMY DOES WISH THAT SHE COULD GET A MAGIC WAND AND JUST SWISH IT AROUND AND EXPAND THE SIZE OF HER TREMBLING (SEEING THE CRAB) BELLY TO ACCOMMODATE ITS GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS!!!  REALISTICALLY EVEN IF SHE GETS THE LEFTOVERS " PARCELED ", HOW MANY BREAKFASTS,LUNCHES AND DINNERS CAN SHE EAT IT FOR ALONE!!

SO THEN WE-HER BELOVED FAMILY COME INTO THE PICTURE -TO HELP HER IN HER HOUR OF NEED-TO BE HER CRUTCH AND VOICE OF REASON IN TIMES OF SUPREME TEMPTATION- IN SHORT TO HELP HER PARTAKE THE HEAVENLY CRAB AND SHARE HER ECSTASY AND JOY!!! AND THEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM MY DEAR FRIENDS!!

LET ME ELABORATE POINT BY POINT OR RATHER PERSON BY PERSON!! I THE PLEASANTLY (AND DON'T YOU DARE SUGGEST OTHERWISE!) SHEEBU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL!!! I HAVE BEEN PERPETUALLY ON A DIET (WITHOUT ANY RESULTS WHATSOEVER LET ME ASSURE YOU!) RIGHT FROM MY TEEN YEARS!CAKES,PASTRIES,PAKORAS,SAMOSAS,CHOWMEIN,BIRYANI HAVE BEEN MY WORST ENEMIES!! EVEN IF I THINK OF INGESTING THEM I PUT ON FIVE POUNDS AND ALL AT THE WRONG PLACES I MUST ADD! JUST THE SMELL OF THE AFORE MENTIONED ITEMS GETS MY HEART RACING AND PULSE POUNDING!! I GET ANXIETY ATTACKS AND USUALLY HAVE TO FLEE THE SCENE BEFORE I COMMIT AN ATROCITY ON MYSELF AND MY SPANDEX JEANS!!SO IN LIGHT OF THE ABOVE I USUALLY TRY TO AVOID  DEEP-FRIED, FIVE THOUSAND CALORIES A PIECE, SWIMMING IN BUTTER ANYTHING!! IN FACT THAT'S MY WORST NIGHTMARE!! BEING TRAPPED IN BUTTERY HELL FROM WHICH THERE'S NO ESCAPE!!!!I ACTUALLY HAVE HUGE MOUNDS OF BUTTER INSCRIBED WITH "EAT ME, EAT ME" CHASING ME IN MY DREAMS THROUGH THE GATES OF HELL OR HEAVEN DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE!!

ANYWAY IT SEEMS MY NIGHTMARE JUST CAME TRUE!! BECAUSE IN FRONT OF ME LIES THIS HUGE,STEAMING CAULDRON FILLED WITH THE MOST DELECTABLE,GARLICKY,PEPPERY,BUTTERY,HEAVENLY AND SINFUL CRAB EVER CREATED BY THE LORD ALMIGHTY OR BY THE CHEF OF THE RESTAURANT WE ARE CURRENTLY SEATED IN!!! PLEASE DON'T GET CONFUSED, ITS NOT THAT I DON'T FIND THE CRAB DROOL- WORTHY AND ABSOLUTELY IRRESISTIBLE ,ITS JUST THAT THE GUILT AFTERWARDS IS TOO MUCH!! THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THE "AFTER SCENARIO" REALLY BOG ME DOWN!! IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE I HAVE COMMITTED A GRAVE,UNPARDONABLE SIN-ACTUALLY AKIN TO A ONE-NIGHT STAND (WHICH FOR YOUR KIND INFORMATION-YOU NAUGHTY PEOPLE I HAVE NEVER INDULGED IN!!!!). BUT THEN SEEING MY MOMMY'S EXPECTANT EYES AND DROOL FILLED SMILE MY FROZEN WITH FEAR HEART JUST MELTS AND I PROCEED TO ATTACK THE CRAB WITH AS MUCH GUSTO AS I CAN MUSTER IN MY FEEBLE,WEAKENED WITH GUILT STATE!!!

NOW LETS TURN TO MR. C, THE OTHER MAJOR PLAYER IN THIS WHOLE FAMILY LINE-UP!! MR.C COMES FROM A LONG,ILLUSTRIOUS LINE OF ANCESTORS ALL WITH VERY HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND WEAK HEARTS!!IN FACT I MEAN THIS SERIOUSLY-NO KIDDING AROUND HERE-HIS DAD,GRAND-DAD,UNCLE-ALL PASSED AWAY MUCH BEFORE THEIR TIME BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF THEIR HEARTS (LITERALLY!). SO NOW I AM EXTRA CONSCIOUS AND CONSCIENTIOUS TO ENSURE MY DARLING HUSBANDS LONGEVITY AND NAG THE CRAP OUT OF HIM TO EAT HEALTHY AND LIVE HEALTHY!!

 "I CANNOT BRING UP THE BRATS ALONE" I WAIL, " I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET" AND THAT AUTOMATICALLY TRANSLATES INTO-NO GUILTY PLEASURES AT LEAST OF THE FOOD KIND!! DAL,ROTI,SABZI AND SOMETIMES LEAN PIECES OF CHICKEN I BELLOW AND SOMETIMES IMPLORE!!

 WELL MY EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL SOMETIMES WORKS AND MOST OF THE TIMES DOESN'T!!! AND WITH THE STEAMING,FRAGRANT CRAB IN FRONT OF US ALL OF MR.C'S STRONG RESOLVES JUST MELT AWAY LIKE THE BUTTER IN THE CRAB AND HE RUB'S HIS HANDS IN GLEE,TIES THE BIB (YES THEY ACTUALLY GIVE YOU A BABY'S BIB TO EAT THIS DARNED THING!!) AROUND HIS NECK AND LITERALLY DIVES INTO THE BUTTER AND GARLIC AND PEPPER-YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

 THE SIGHT IS VERY SIMILAR TO A PROFESSIONAL SWIMMER DIVING GRACEFULLY INTO THE WATER ( IN THIS CASE BUTTER) TO COMPLETE A LAP (OR AGAIN IN THIS CASE), TO COMPLETE ENDLESS LAPS AND TO COME OUT GLEEFUL,TRIUMPHANT AND ABSOLUTELY SATIATED!!! THE ONLY THING LACKING FROM THE PICTURE IS A GOLD MEDAL AROUND HIS NECK DECLARING HIM AS THE "FASTEST CRAB DEVOURER EVER BORN"!! PRAISE THE LORD!! A NEW WORLD RECORD HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED! HAIL MARY! OR RATHER IN THIS CASE 'HAIL SWAGATH!". "SWAGATH" BEING THE NAME OF THE RESTAURANT WHERE THIS SCRUMPTIOUS DELICACY IS SERVED! IN FACT THERE SHOULD BE A WARNING BOARD OUTSIDE THE SAID RESTAURANT WITH A SKULL AND TWO CROSSED BONES  BOLDLY DECLARING "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!PERIL! DANGER!ABODE OF THE TEN THOUSAND CALORIE CRAB! YOU CAN CHECK OUT ANYTIME YOU LIKE BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE". THE LAST LINE IS FROM THE SONG "HOTEL CALIFORNIA" BY THE 'EAGLES". THE SONG TALKS ABOUT THE DEPENDENCY AND FUTILITY OF DOING DRUGS-WELL THE BUTTER,PEPPER,GARLIC CRAB IS AKIN TO DOING A DRUG,IT IMMEDIATELY TRANSPORTS YOU INTO HEAVEN-THE HELL COMES LATER AS EXPLAINED ABOVE- AND IT IS ADDICTIVE,VERY ADDICTIVE AND THE MORE YOU HAVE OF IT THE MORE YOU NEED  AND WANT AND CRAVE AND DESIRE AND THEREFORE THE NECESSITY OF THE GODDAMN SIGN AND WARNING!!! SIGH! EXHAUSTED NOW WITH ALL THE RAVING AND RANTING!

SO NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY DILEMMA FOLKS!! COULD APPRISE YOU ABOUT THE OTHER PROBLEMS FACING THE OTHER FOLK IN MY FAMILY AS WELL BUT THEN THAT WOULD RUN INTO REAMS AND DON'T WANT TO SOUND REPETITIVE!! LET ME END BY WONDERING THAT  WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING DELICIOUS OR PLEASURABLE OR CRAVABLE OR LUST-WORTHY IN LIFE CONSIDERED SINFUL??!! IS IT THE ALMIGHTY'S WAY OF TESTING US AND OUR WEAK RESOLVES?!! WELL NOT FAIR! I THINK IN THE CASE OF BUTTER,PEPPER, GARLIC CRAB HE SHOULD MAKE AN EXCEPTION AND MAKE IT THE HEALTHIEST/LEAST CALORIFIC FOOD ON PLANET EARTH!! AAH!! WISHFUL THINKING! BUT WHAT THE HELL! WE CAN ALWAYS DREAM!!! CAN'T WE??!!