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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

I WANT TO BREAK FREE OR AT LEAST I WANT TO BREAK MY HEAD!!

SINCE I KEEP RAVING AND RANTING ABOUT INNER PEACE AND CALM I HAD TO SHARE THE BELOW WITH YOU:--
THIS IS TOO CUTE --: I'M PASSING THIS ON BECAUSE IT WORKED FOR ME TODAY. A DOCTOR ON T.V SAID TO HAVE INNER PEACE WE SHOULD ALWAYS FINISH THINGS WE START AND WE COULD USE MORE CALM IN OUR LIVES. I LOOKED AROUND MY HOUSE TO FIND THINGS I'D STARTED AND HADN'T FINISHED. SO I FINISHED OFF MY BOTTLE OF TEQUILA, A BOTTLE OF  MERLOT, A BOTTLE OF CHARDONNAY,A BODLE OF WAILEY'S(bailey's),A BUTLE OF WUM(rum),THE (re)MAINDER OF VALIUMINIUM SCRIPTINS(prescriptions) AND A BOX (sorry)CARTON OF LIQUOR HIC! CHOCLETZ. YU HAF NO IDEAR HOW FABULUS I FEEL RITE NOW. SNED(send) THIS TO ALL WHO NEED INNER PISS. AN TELUM I LUUUVUM...BARF!! PUKE!! RUNNING TO THE LOO! INNER AND OUTER PISS ACHIEVED!!

SERIOUSLY, SOME PEOPLE NEED LIVES...NOT THAT I AM ONE TO TALK. MY DAILY ROUTINE CONSISTS OF RISING AT THE UNEARTHLY HOUR OF 5.30 AM TO ROUSE MY STAFF TO GET THE "ESKOOL" BANDWAGON ROLLING, PULLING TWO EXTREMELY SLEEPY,GROUCHY, RELUCTANT KIDS OUT FROM UNDER THEIR DUVETS AND SUMO WRESTLING WITH THEM TO  THE SHOWER, FORCE FEEDING THEM BOTH AN APPLE AND A BANANA, BEGGING AND PLEADING WITH THEM TO DOWN A GLASS OF MILK WHILE AT THE SAME TIME HYSTERICALLY AND LOUDLY PROPOUNDING THE BENEFITS OF CALCIUM AND PROTEIN AND WHAT HAVE YOU!! AND THEN ALSO DRIVING HELTER SKELTER LIKE A FORMULA ONE RACE DRIVER TO THE BUS-STOP TO SEE THAT MY BELOVED ANGELS (!!!) GET TO BOARD THEIR SCHOOL BUS TO GET TO THEIR GODDAMN SCHOOL!! SIGH! CAN TAKE A DEEP BREATH NOW!! SOME PEACE AND CALM NOW TILL THE REDOUBTABLE MR.C ROUSES FROM HIS DEEP SLUMBER AND STARTS MAKING HIS USUAL DEMANDS!!!

AN ABSOLUTE DETEST FOR MY MUNDANE LIFE HAS TAKEN OVER ME. THE REGULARITY,PREDICTABILITY AND ROUTINE OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE ARE NUMBING MY MIND. I NEED A CHANGE OR AT LEAST SOME INSPIRATION/MOTIVATION TO GET THROUGH THE LOOOOONNG DAYS. THE BRIEF ENCOUNTERS THAT I AM HAVING WITH MOTHER NATURE WHERE SHE CANT DECIDE WHETHER ITS SUMMER OR START OF WINTERS AND THE CORRESPONDING COLD,COUGH,SORE THROAT ETC IS INTENSIFYING MY WRETCHED MOOD!! I THINK I NEED TO GET MOOD STABILIZERS AKIN TO VOLTAGE STABILIZERS FITTED INTO MY BRAIN. DO YOU THINK I CAN GOOGLE THOSE OR WOULD THEY BE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON??!!

BASICALLY, TO PUT IT SIMPLY----I QUIT!!!!

I HAVE DECIDED THAT FROM THIS POINT FORWARD I AM OFFICIALLY ON STRIKE!! THE SHEEBA BENEVOLENT STORE IS SHUT/CLOSED DOWN. THIS SCENARIO WILL PREVAIL UNTIL ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS HAPPEN:--

A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR ON A WHITE HORSE COMES AND JUST SWEEPS  ME OFF MY FEET AND WHISKS ME AWAY TO A LAND OF POETRY,ROMANCE,WINE ,MUSIC AND GREAT FOOD!!

THE MOTHER OF THE BRATS RETURNS AND TAKES THEM BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM (THE LITTLE DEVILS-MOST LIKELY FROM THE GATES OF HELL -DISGUISED AS ANGELS!) OR THEY AT LEAST STOP CALLING ME MOM AND EXPECTING ME TO BE AT THEIR BECK AND CALL AND TO CARE FOR THEM 24/7.

I GET A WHOLE TEAM OF FAIRY GODMOTHERS WITH THEIR MAGICAL WANDS WHO CAN DO THE WORK OF PLUMBERS ,ELECTRICIANS AND CARPENTERS TO SORT OUT THE MYRIAD ISSUES PLAGUING MY HOUSE. OR AT LEAST MARY POPPINS ARRIVES VIA UMBRELLA ( SERVING AS A PARACHUTE) TO MAKE OUR HOUSE A MAGICAL,WONDROUS PLACE TO LIVE IN.

I WAKE UP TO A SPOTLESS HOUSE,A LOVING HUSBAND AND WELL-BEHAVED KIDS THAT ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND DO AS THEY ARE TOLD-WITHOUT ARGUMENTS,STRESS OR ENDLESS STUPID QUESTIONS!!

I WAKE UP TOMORROW AND DISCOVER THAT I HAVE BECOME KAREENA KAPOOR WITH SAIF ALI KHAN IN TOW (I MEAN I REALLY LIKE HIM!). I WOULD SETTLE FOR THAT I SUPPOSE! I MEAN IF I HAD TO SETTLE OF COURSE!

BUT SINCE NONE OF THESE THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND I AM LIVING IN A SERIOUSLY DERANGED,DELUSIONAL FAIRY TALE I CONFRONT THE HARSH REALITIES AS ENUMERATED BELOW:--

MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR IS NEVER ARRIVING SINCE HE DOESN'T EXIST.

MY TEAM OF FAIRY GODMOTHERS AND MARY POPPINS ARE HIGH ON CRACK AND LYING DOPED OUT SOMEWHERE.

I MAY WAKE UP TO A LOVING HUSBAND....BUT HE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE BEFORE MINE GETS HOME...

I WILL NEVER EVER WAKE UP TO A SPOTLESS HOUSE BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN AND A DOG!!

NO MATTER HOW HARD I WISH AND NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I CLOSE MY EYES AND PRAY FERVENTLY TO ALLAHMIA!...I WILL NOT WAKE UP AS KAREENA KAPOOR WHICH I SUPPOSE IS BETTER ANYWAY....THE "STARDUST","FILMFARE" AND "CINEBLITZ" MAGAZINES WOULD HAVE A FRENZY IF THE LITTLE KAPOOR PRINCESS (KAREENA! WHO ELSE!) HAD A POTTY MOUTH LIKE ME..... CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HEADLINES WHEN THEY DISCOVERED I WAS AN UNWED MOTHER OF TWO CRAZY CHILDREN---POOR SAIFU!...WHO SOMEHOW HAD MANAGED TO HIGH JACK THE VAST PATAUDI HAVELI AND STEAL SOMEONES LIFE!!

NO, I WILL CONTINUE LIVING MY LIFE...I WILL BE A BITCH BECAUSE I AM BORED. I WILL WHINE THAT I AM UNHAPPY.I WILL WALLOW IN SELF PITY AND SHED SILENT TEARS PRETENDING TO BE THE MODERN DAY MEENA KUMARI. I WILL DREAM/FANTASISE OF SAIFU, FARHAN AKHTAR AND GEORGE CLOONEY AND NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER. I WILL SCREAM WHEN I AM MAD AND LAUGH AND SWEAR ALTERNATELY AT THE STUPID/INANE THINGS THAT MY BRATS, DARLING HUBBY AND ROMEO(MY LABRADOR) DO!! I WILL ALSO THREATEN TO PUT UP MY KIDS FOR ADOPTION IF THEY HARASS ME ANY FURTHER, SO DON'T BE SHOCKED AND GOGGLE-EYED FOLKS!! BUT SERIOUSLY....IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME.....BE WORRIED....BECAUSE I WILL PROBABLY DROWN WHILE FISHING ROMEO'S  POOP OUT OF THE SWIMMING POOL (YES! I HAVE A GODDAMN SWIMMING POOL IN MY HOUSE WHICH IS A REAL PAIN IN THE BUTT TO MAINTAIN!!!) CHEERS !!AND WHERE IS THAT BLOODY BODLE OF WUM AND TEQUILA?!! HIC! HIC!! HURRAY!!