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Tuesday, 1 November 2011

LUNCHING WITH THE GURRRLSS!!!!

MAJORLY STRESSED TODAY!!! WHY? DON'T KNOW OR ACTUALLY DO!! LUNCHING WITH THE LOVELY LADIES TODAY!! SO WHAT I WEAR IS IMPORTANT, WHICH BAG I CARRY IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT AND HOW I CARRY MYSELF IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!!! IN FACT  I ALWAYS GO INTO MINI MELTDOWN MODE WHENEVER I HAVE THESE MONTHLY LUNCHES TO ATTEND. MY DARLING MAID WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THE UPKEEP OF MY WARDROBE DREADS THE FIRST WEDNESDAY OF EVERY MONTH BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT THAT'S WHEN HER ALREADY PRETTY LOONY MISTRESS LOSES IT COMPLETELY!! SO DRESSES ARE PULLED OUT,TRIED ON, REJECTED AND SCATTERED ALL OVER THE ROOM!! JEANS ARE TUGGED AND PUSHED AND PULLED OVER THE AMPLE BOTTOMS WHILE SILENT PRAYERS ARE BEING OFFERED FERVENTLY TO THE ALMIGHTY BY BOTH ME AND MY MAID, AND WHEN THEY REFUSE TO BE ZIPPED UP IN SPITE OF EVERY ONES BEST EFFORTS AND HUFFING AND PUFFING, ARE DISCARDED TOO!! ALMOST LOSING FAITH IN THE NOTION OF A BENIGN BEING WATCHING OVER US!! ATHEISM, THAT'S THE WAY TO GO!

 THAT'S WHEN THE REAL HYSTERIA AND PANIC STARTS!! WHAT TO DO ? WHAT TO WEAR? WAIL!! CAN I JUST WEAR MY NEW, VOLUMINOUS PINK NIGHTGOWN WITH THE HEARTS AND TEDDY BEARS WHICH MR. C GOT FOR ME ON HIS LATEST "PHOREN" TRIP, WITH THE NUDE JIMMY CHOO HEELS AND PRETEND THAT THAT'S THE LATEST FASHION STATEMENT FROM ROME,PARIS, MILAN OR SHEEBA'S INSANE LA-LA LAND MIND??? AFTER MUCH THOUGHT AND FRANTIC DISCUSSIONS WITH THE FAWNING KEEPER OF MY WARDROBE, I DECIDE NOT TO!! AB KYA KAREN? SHOULD I TRY THE SKINNY JEANS I BOUGHT FOR MR. C FROM ZARA? THEY SHOULD FIT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT THEM FOR HIM. HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WEAR THEM EVEN IN TEN LIFETIMES EVEN IF HE HELD HIS BREATH THE WHOLE TIME!!! CANT WASTE THEM--CHALO LETS GIVE IT A TRY!! TRY THEM ON AND I LOOK HORRID BECAUSE EVERYTHING SAGS AT THE WRONG PLACES! THAT'S A NO GO SO ITS BACK TO THE BLOODY DRESSES. FINALLY PICK A STAID BLACK ONE WHICH MY MAID FISHES OUT FROM THE MOUNTAINOUS HEAP LYING ON MY BED. SHE TELLS ME "DIDI JEE, YEH TRY KARO. SHAYAD AAPKI TOND PE FIT AAJAYE". I FOLLOW HER INSTRUCTIONS MEEKLY AND GIVE  THE DRESS A TENTATIVE TRY! LO AND BEHOLD IT FITS ME PERFECTLY AND DOES ACTUALLY DISGUISE THE AHEM! BELLY AND THE MODEST TYRES AROUND THE WAIST QUITE EFFECTIVELY! ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAVE NEW RESPECT FOR SANJU-MY MAID!! SHE'S  IMMEDIATELY ELEVATED TO THE POSITION OF CHIEF STYLIST IN MY HOUSEHOLD.CHALO! AT LEAST ONE MAMMOTH TASK ACHIEVED.

NOW LETS COME TO THE NEXT GARGANTUAN OBSTACLE-WHICH BAG TO CARRY? THE L.V/GUCCI/PR ADA BAGS ARE ALL NOW SO PASSE!! THE OBJECT OF AFFECTION/ LUST/ DESIRABILITY IS THE NEW HERMES BIRKIN IN OSTRICH SKIN WHICH COSTS A RUDDY BOMB AND TAKES AT LEAST SIX MONTHS TO PROCURE!!!! EVEN FARHAN AKHTAR WAS FAWNING ALL OVER IT IN Z.N.M.D AND WAS LOVINGLY CALLING IT "BAGVATI"!!!NOW WHERE THE HELL DO I PROCURE ONE FROM AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE?? WELL TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, EVEN IF I HAD A BLOODY YEAR TO PROCURE ONE-WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO SO BECAUSE MY DARLING MR. C WOULD SCREAM BLUE MURDER ONCE I TOLD HIM THE PRICE.

HE WOULD GO INTO EXTREME DISAPPROVING MODE AND START LECTURING IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT PAUSE FOR AT LEAST SIXTY MINUTES. HE WOULD LOUDLY ESPOUSE AS TO HOW I HAVE LOST ALL VALUE FOR MONEY AND THAT WE WERE SERVICE CLASS PEOPLE WHO WORKED HARD TO MAKE ENDS MEET AND WERE EMPLOYED AND DID JOBS VIS A VIS PEOPLE WHO WERE RUNNING THEIR OWN BUSINESSES AND THEREFORE WERE EMPLOYERS AND HAD SACKFULS OF UNACCOUNTED FOR WEALTH BURIED DEEP IN THEIR TWENTY INCHES MATTRESSES AND THAT I SHOULD RISE ABOVE SUCH PETTY AND VULGAR SHOWS OF STATUS AND MATERIALISM AND SO ON AND SO FORTH!! HOW MY WIT ,CHARM AND INTELLECT SHOULD BE THE APPEALING FACTORS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY AND NOT A BLOODY TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR BAG THAT I CARRIED!!! EVEN THOUGH I PRETENDED COMPLETE DISDAIN AND DISINTEREST AT THIS OFT REPEATED LECTURE I WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING!! FRANKLY I HAD NO CHOICE!! NO WAY IN HELL WAS I EVER ACQUIRING THAT HERMES BIRKIN BAG, AT LEAST NOT IN THIS LIFETIME!! 

SO I GAVE A VERY MARTYRED SIGH AND WOEBEGONE LOOK AND CONCEDED DEFEAT. CHALO WILL MAKE DO WITH THE SILVER L.V WHICH I HAD BOUGHT MANY SEASONS AGO AND AFTER MUCH BARGAINING,PLEADING AND BARTERING WITH MR. C!! IT HAD ACTUALLY COVERED MY BIRTHDAY,ANNIVERSARY AND KARVA CHAUTH GIFT THAT FATEFUL YEAR!

AT LEAST THE OUTFITS DONE!! SANITY THREATENING HURDLE CROSSED. BOTH ME AND SANJU HEAVED A SIGH OF RELIEF AND HAD A CUP OF TEA! AFTER THAT SHE GETS BUSY IN BRINGING ABOUT SOME ORDER IN MY RATHER DISORDERLY WARDROBE AND I GET BUSY IN MY BEAUTY TREATMENT. FIRST THE OIL ,DAHI AND EGG IN MY HAIR, THEN THE MULTANI MITTI WITH MILK ON MY FACE, THEN THE TURMERIC UPTAN ON MY BODY!!!SOMEBODY WOULD THINK THAT I AM THE NAI-NAVELI DULHAN DOLLING UP FOR MY SAJAN! ROMEO-MY DOGGY-GETS REALLY STARTLED TO SEE ME LIKE THIS AND SCAMPERS AWAY IN FRIGHT! WHO CARES WHAT ROMEO THINKS? I WILL BE NICE AND GLOWING WITH SILKY SOFT,SHINY HAIR WHEN I MEET THE GURLS!! YIPPEE!! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!! THOUGH I DO FOR A MOMENT WONDER AS TO HOW I WILL DISGUISE THE SMELL OF THE FOUR EGG YOLKS THAT I HAVE ANOINTED RATHER LIBERALLY IN MY HAIR. CHALO NEVER MIND!! WILL GIVE THE GURLS NOSE PLUGS (DO SUCH PLUGS EXIST??) AND THEY CAN BREATHE,TALK AND EAT ALL AT THE SAME TIME THROUGH THEIR RATHER PRETTY LITTLE MOUTHS!!

MAD MUSINGS ASIDE, I DO FINALLY MAKE IT FOR THE MUCH AWAITED/DREADED LUNCH LOOKING REASONABLY PRESENTABLE AND JUST FAINTLY SMELLING OF EGG AND DAHI. I USE MY GUCCI GUILTY QUITE LIBERALLY OVER MY BLOW DRIED HAIR AND JUST PRETEND THAT EVERY ONES GONE MAD WHEN THEY TWITCH THEIR NOSES AND CRINKLE UP THEIR FACES. I ORDER A MARTINI, SOUP,STARTER,MAIN COURSE AND TWO DESSERTS. I GOSSIP, I LAUGH, I BITCH, I PRETEND,I POSTURE BUT THROUGH IT ALL I REALISE THAT I REALLY LOVE THESE GURLS AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY MY MONTHLY LUNCHEONS WITH THEM. SO WHAT IF I GO A LITTLE CRAZED AND ACT HYPER JUST BEFORE THE ACTUAL EVENT?? ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND THIS ENDS SUPERBLY!!! DON'T THINK THAT I CAN EITHER EAT OR DRINK FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS BUT THEN THAT'S ANOTHER STORY ALTOGETHER!!! CHEERIO!!