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Sunday, 22 April 2012

Teenarized ( as opposed to terrorized) by Frankesteen!!!!

Just in a very pissed off mood. It's brat no-1's fifteenth birthday today-have shown him a real good time this weekend-lots of pampering,shopping,movies and meals out but the ungrateful wretch that he is,has not expressed a word of appreciation or thankfulness! Instead has been on a non-stop complaining spree as to how this wasn't good enough or that wasn't great and so on and so forth!!! 

I am so angry that I actually just feel like putting him down on my knee and giving him a good spanking with the hardest paddle brush that i can find at home!! Pure day dreaming on my part of course, because he's now at five feet and eleven inches and weighs 75 kilos so physically impossible for me to actually lay him across my knee and giving him the whipping that he deserves!!

What is it with the teenagers of today??? Why are they-with very few exceptions-such a shameless lot?Why are they never happy or content or appreciative or respectful? Why do they always want more and more and more till there's nothing really left to give? And what's with the surly,I'm so cool and you are a nut attitude,the pure defiance and rebelliousness that they exhibit at all times! Why is everything such a battle, not battle but literally guerrilla warfare, that you feel like giving up even before you have started !!If you say right to them then it necessarily has to be left! If you agree to left, then suddenly they want to go right! It's enough to drive any sane person absolutely crazy!!

 Frankly this indecisiveness and constant confusion i can still handle-what really gets to me is the utter lack of respect that they exhibit towards all adults in general! Are we there just in the capacity of their slaves and to do their bidding while they are our lords and master and order us around!! Or do we serve any other purpose in their life such as being guides,mentors,benefactors and other such noble stuff!!

I don't think so!! We are dealing with an increasingly selfish,self centred,self obsessed generation who just thinks about itself-the rest of the world be damned !! We are there not as their parents and figures of authority but just as the facilitators,providers and care givers-beyond that if we do try to assert our rights or enforce any kind of discipline-kaput!! Doomsday! World War three!! Atomic bomb explosion!! And you find that your dignity,self-respect,authority- everything is blown into smithereens and you are just left seething with fury and resentment and cursing the day that you ever decided to become a parent!!

Actually if i could turn back the clock, i would not elect to have children of my own at all instead would devote my time,energy and resources in an orphanage-really loving,caring and helping out kids who are alone in this world and have no one to call their own. And hopefully,they would appreciate all the attention and love showered on them and treat you with some respect,humanity and consideration.

I think back to our times and realise with a start as to how different our lives were. We were teenagers too and had our fair share of fun, got into trouble,bunked classes,disobeyed our parents etc but that under lying fear of authority or respect for our parents never left us. At the end of the day we towed the line and never went beyond a certain limit. Life was not about instant gratification like it is today, that the moment your child wants something he has to get it,right at that minute!! What bloody bull-shit!!

We had to work for our treats and wait for them-sometimes months on end! I still remember saving up my measly pocket money to buy a Sony Walkman and it took me six months but when i got it,i felt such an acute sense of accomplishment and pride! But i guess those were simpler times and we had none of the distractions or temptations that teens of today do!

I guess to some extent we as parents are to blame too! We all are busy,have crazy stressed out lives-running from pillar to post most of the times so therefore may not be able to devote the quality and quantum of time that our parents did to us. So in an effort to cover up and assuage that guilt and regret, sometimes we just give in too easily. It's too much of a bother to argue or explain or reason-sometimes its just easier to go along. And i think that's our undoing because the kids of today are a smart,wily bunch and they know when they have you by the b.... literally and figuratively!!

Enough raving and ranting for today!! Enough fodder for thought!! Hope you folks are dealing better with your kids than i am!!! If you do have any tried and tested strategies to deal with these "Franksteens"-do let me know. Will be grateful forever. Take care and  all the very best!! Adios!!

Thursday, 19 April 2012

My dirty,little secret!!!

"Ishq bina kya marna yara
ishq bina kya jeena.
Tum ne ishq ka naam
sunna hai, humne ishq
kiya hai!"

Love the above lyrics from a very popular song and really identify with them. "Ishq","mohabat","pyaar","ibadat"-like a slightly rustic friend of mine put it-" ishq kis jeev,jantu,pakshi ka naam hai??? Hai kya yeh cheez jo itna rulayein or itna hasayein??" To put it in the Queens language ,he meant -what is this strange thing called love that mystifies,fascinates,drives us crazy,makes us cry and definitely makes us laugh!! What is this wondrous,elusive,evasive thing and how many of us can truly claim to have experienced it! Yes, i am pretty sure that all of us have experienced love in some measure in our lives and in it's myriad forms but here i am not talking about that half baked,luke warm stuff-i am talking about the earth shattering,nerve wracking,gut wrenching,breathless feeling which makes or breaks you!

I am talking intense,soul mate stuff where you feel that the other person was created for you and you exist just to be with him and vice versa and everything is so perfect, though in reality it may really be completely imperfect yet you are oblivious to the obvious! Yes darlings that's my dirty,little secret! That's the stuff that fascinates me,excites me and gets my juices-creative i might add-flowing! And let me confess that i long for it and crave for it! What can be more gratifying and fulfilling than actually finding that special someone who just completes you,who makes you whole again,who makes life worth living,who adds colour to the dull greys of your life and banishes monotony,routine and boredom!!

 But where is this wondrous creature who will breathe new life into the utter monotony of  life?? And more seriously am i or say you ,even allowed to think these sacrilegious thoughts and have these wild fantasies when we are locked in the holy bond of matrimony!! Isn't it taboo to talk about such controversial stuff openly and be so blase in this utterly suffocating,hypocritical society that we live in??

Will i now be classified as a loose,characterless,immoral harlot?! A scarlet woman so to say! Come on! Open your minds a bit! We are living in the twenty first century and who are we kidding?! The amount of back door,sneaky romances that are happening in our immediate vicinity would astound many!!! But my lips are sealed shut forever! I am certainly not advocating adultery here-please don't get me wrong but what i am saying is that don't be so preachy and moralistic! Live and let live! Appearances are very deceptive and who knows whats happening behind closed doors! As human beings our first and foremost duty is to ourselves and only when we are happy ourselves can we do justice to people who depend on us! As a writer, i just feel that i have the artistic,creative license to talk about and write about contentious issues so please bear with me and indulge me a bit!! Don't act all moral and prissy about it!!

 Is marriage the be all and end all of life? Are you supposed to subjugate all your desires,hopes and dreams just because you are married to someone? And let's be honest-let's just drop all the hypocrisy and moral crap for now-how many of us-both men and women really feel fulfilled by our current partners and let me reiterate here that what i am saying does not mean that the folk that we are married to are not accomplished,decent people-of course they are and that's why we married them and stay married to them-i am talking about the magic,the insanity and passion that you feel when you are with that special, maybe i agree non existent someone!!

I know a lot of you may argue that the magic,passion etc has to do with the newness of a relationship and therefore fades with time till it reaches a stage where its non-existent and life goes on auto-pilot mode! I DISAGREE AND VEHEMENTLY SO!!! I think that when you are a with a soul mate or with the person that you are meant to be with ,then that passion may diminish somewhat but it never disappears-all that it takes is a small spark to re-ignite it and you are once again transported to la-la land!

Let's now talk in terms of the Indian society-most of us marry pretty young or at least our generation married relatively young-and i think that it's the stupidest thing to do-not because our partners are not nice or personable or intelligent-usually they are-very much so but because we had no clue as to what we really wanted from life and what marriage truly entailed. Initially at least, it's all about fancy dinners, late nights at the discotheque, pretty clothes and jewellery!! That's it! There is no real recognition of our needs or for that matter our partner's needs and what we really want or desired from our life or our spouses!! It's usually a whirl wind of cacophony ,colour and chaos in the Indian context!! And one thing naturally leads to another-we have our kids,decades pass and now we are firmly entrenched in the family routine!! Does it sound familiar?!

Sigh!! I am sure that you would agree with me that the family routine is great-it is and  that we all have fantastic times at times but as an individual,as a living,breathing,feeling human being, feel lost sometimes.Feel over whelmed by the never ending sameness. We go about living our life in a proper,correct manner as befitting our role in society but something in us  is just dying to be set free! We long to feel the sunshine on our face and the cool breeze in our hair!  We long to be just 'me'-just me without the encumbrances and baggage of society! Like Osho said "a woman is to be loved..not understood...that is the first understanding."

Yes, i want to be loved too just because i am me-there has to be no logic to it and certainly no understanding!! I want to experience magic,i want to dance till dawn and then watch the sunset ,i want to sleep all day, drink wine and listen to Mozart and Bach all afternoon,i want to go for a toe curling ride in a fast car with the top down!!

Yes! I want all this and more!! And some of you may frown in disapproval and twitter about my blasphemy behind my back but i truly don't care a shit!! It's my life and i will dream all i want!! There can be no moral licenses imposed just on day dreaming!!  And i do realise that this is also a lot of posturing,fantasising,conjuring and bravado on my part and that i may never get the opportunity to experience the so called "true love" of my life because i have missed the boat and that now it's too late and even if i do,i may not then have the courage or the guts to grab it because of the other loving ties i am enmeshed in but i will still dream,hope and pray that one day this handsome,rakish,utterly irresistible angel will descend on earth and kiss me awake from my very loooonnng slumber quite akin to Sleeping Beauty!!!

Yeah! Okay! Laugh and snigger all you want but i will carry on hoping and dreaming for that Utopian fantasy to come true!

I hope to live tomorrow and be able to write again after Mr. C reads this particular piece!! Wish me luck that i do survive and am not permanently banned from blogging!! Let me again reiterate that this is not just a personal referendum-it's what i see happening around me with alarming regularity!!!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

My achy,breaky heart!!

Hardly slept last night-just kept thinking,tossing and turning-some good thoughts,some sad thoughts and some pretty insane thoughts even by my rather lofty standards-the human mind-such a wonderful,bizarre creation which at times  both fascinates and scares!! I seem to be on a roller coaster of emotions these days-sometimes wake up feeling absolutely fantastic ready to take on the world or more specifically the bratty kids,the surly husband,the inefficient cook,the garrulous "maali",the smart alecky driver,the lecherous ninety year old "uncle" next door and there are days when i just want to bury myself in my cosy blanket and not surface at all!!I just want to lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself and ponder my miserable fate!!! Gross exaggeration by the way, "the miserable fate" bit, in case"Allah" in all his everlasting glory is reading my blog and thinking what an ungrateful wretch i am!!!

Actually my fate is not miserable at all-on the surface of it-i have it all-a successful,handsome(ahem! ahem! remember beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder!!) husband,two beautiful,intelligent,spirited also bratty sons,a beautiful,well kept home(all thanks to me on that one,please note),decent looks,good health,a cook,a driver,a masseuse,a personal trainer,regular appointments at the beauty salon,a close knit group of loyal,devoted and sometimes scatty girl friends (please note, the word "sometimes" before i have five women baying for my blood!!)

So then i come to the puzzling and baffling question-what is it that ails me or rather makes me so moody and temperamental? Why am i always swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other? What is this restlessness,the fidgeting which keeps me awake at nights and makes me think bizarre thoughts? Why do i want to sometimes just pack up my stuff and run away..far,far the Himalayas and take sanyas?  On a lighter note,what then would happen to all my pretty dresses and hundred pairs of stilettos!! Sanyasins, even sexy ones at that ,couldn't really be going around hobbling on hilly terrain wearing six inch high heels!!!

On a more serious note,what about my numerous responsibilities,the various roles of being a wife,mother,home-maker that i play? Would all that come to a nought ? I think some of my moodiness comes from my zodiac sign-i am a Scorpio-so according to Linda Goodman-i am intense,passionate,prone to extremes,loyal,devoted,easily bored,need new challenges and so on and so forth. But i guess it couldn't just be that! So have been pondering,thinking and analysing and have come to the PROFOUND conclusion  and please feel free to correct me if i am wrong, that i am not the only one who's going through this dilemma of life's choices. Up to a certain degree,all of us women,in this particular age group are facing the same quandary.

We are most of us in our late thirties to early forties-married to successful men who frankly now don't have the time of day for us as they are too busy chasing deadlines and crunching numbers,have kids who are between the age group of 10-15 years who are now firmly entrenched in the school routine and can barely stand us and only remember us when they want you to buy them the new I-pad or I-pod or whatever,have an established set up home wise where the maid and the nanny are in place and now are feeling that gosh!! life has suddenly passed us by!!

 All of life's challenges,opportunities,chances seem to be firmly in the past!!Another ten maybe fifteen  years and we will all be firmly in the middle aged,over the hill bracket!!! We all are including me,desperately trying to hold on to the last vestige of diminishing youth,are obsessing over each new wrinkle or crows feet that appears or grey hair which i personally now seem to be sprouting on a weekly basis. We all are looking for a reason ,a validation to exist,to go on,to make a mark,to make a difference. We all want to be vital,needed,wanted and desired and frankly that's not happening at least not to the degree that we desire!

So now i come to the next logical question-what do we do? For every problem their's a solution and for every disappointment their's hope! The solution i have concluded is acceptance and reconciliation and knowing that ultimately we all are lone riders! We come into this world alone and leave it alone! During life's course  we form our bonds and attachments but in the end they are are all superfluous and superficial! We bring nothing into this world and we take nothing back.Nothing in life is permanent other than the permanence of change and the sooner we come to terms with that the better!!

And maybe once in a while -this is a more radical suggestion-we should do drunken,inebriated evenings with just the "gurrrls" where we gossip,bitch out our stuffy husbands,our bratty brats and the hopeless,inefficient ,over paid domestic staff we have at home plus obviously drink lots of cocktails-Mojitos,Cosmos,Daiquiris,Sangrias...basically the works---drowning yourself in alcohol once in a while is a tried and tested therapy to vanquish all the ills in the world!!!

Before some of you prissy, moralistic types jump the gun and lampoon and lambast me,i am certainly not advocating alcoholism!! i am just saying that sometimes acting silly and drunk and out of control and letting your hair down where there are no more pretences and rules and obligations and acting crazy is a sure shot method to (temporarily) mend an achy,breaky heart!!! And i speak from experience,honey!

So bring out the sexy,backless dresses ladies and let's crack open a bottle of Champagne and let's have a ball!! Who knows tomorrow we may just be packing a back pack to the Himalayas and last i checked it wasn't very conducive to wearing backless dresses and having exotic cocktails!!! Cheers! Salute! Adios!!

Monday, 16 April 2012

"O meri jaan,meri jaan, kahan chaldi, pyaar ki pungi bajaa kar!"

Had an awesome weekend folks! Watched "Titantic" in 3D though there was nothing much 3D about it. No  flying objects or propelling gizmo's or in your face action, for which i was quite grateful  because full-on 3D movies literally give me a head ache. This particular movie though  caused more of a heart ache than a head ache for the hundredth time (yes! i have watched it at least ten times if not hundred!). I think James Cameron-the smart man that he is- just pulled the wool in our eyes and made a couple of billion dollars again by re releasing such a classic as now a 3D movie!

 Well! I am not complaining at all-"Titanic" will always remain one of my favoritest films of all times. I love it-i love the character "Jack" that Leonardo Di Caprio played and thought that "Rose"- Kate Winslet -was just so beautiful,feisty and spirited and matched him every step of the way- screen for screen. I loved the sizzling chemistry between them,the tender romance,the stolen kisses and the steamy-literally-make out scene!

I loved it because there was such innocence,purity,sincerity and depth to it! It made me realise with a jolt that how over the hill,jaded and cynical i had become over the last decade that i had stopped believing in the possibility of real or true love or soul mates.

 Life had become all about  duties,responsibilities,expectations,appearances and other exhausting and draining stuff!! Where was the passion,romance,the spark that lights you up when you see another person,the butterflies in the stomach,the sudden lurching of the heart and that intense,giddy feeling of utter ecstasy and delight when you are with the object of your affection!!Was it all a figment of my imagination? Were they tales of yore? Did i ever feel like that or is that memory so in the past that it now feels completely non-existent!

"Love", these days has just become another four letter word with not much meaning or gravitas. Everybody says it to everybody else and it truly amounts to jack shit!!! A lot of times couples say it to each other because then they just get the mental license to "bonk" each other without feeling guilty or embarrassed or awkward afterwards. Needless to say that the "love" flies out of the nearest door,window,ventilation shaft after a few 'bonking" sessions. In such instances i just feel that i wish we had the honesty to admit that what we feel for the other person is just plain,physical attraction or lust and not much else instead of using the other "L" word. Why abuse it when in reality it does mean so much more and is so sacred,pious and beautiful!!

I have no qualms in admitting that i am in love with the feeling of love. I am a die-hard romantic married to a die-hard cynic! I love romantic novels,films and plays-i love the mushy songs of days gone by. I love the concept of Devdas,Paro and Chandramukhi or Romeo-Juliet or Laila-Majnu. It just reaffirms my faith in higher,more noble values and things-much above the petty,incessant materialism ,selfishness and ostentatiousness and the constant need and greed of present day society!

I wish sometimes that i could turn back the hands of time and be sixteen again and go and fall in love once again. I want my knight in shining armour to come and sweep me off my feet and carry me away to Never,Never land where there's just beauty and nature and misty mornings and gondola rides and wine and cheese cake for every meal. Very important to mention that we will have to provide for a full scale gym in Never, Never land with a personal trainer in tow, because if I'm having wine and cheese cake for every meal, will become a fat frump in no time!! And don't want my knight in shining armour cringing every time he has to serenade this particular fat frump!! Please note-no offence meant to any fat frumps whatsoever!!! Just my personal opinion!

I want that thrill,that excitement,i want bells pealing, violins being strummed, i want a star lit sky and somebody reading poetry to me. But alas!! I don't think its happening to me-at least not in this lifetime!! Here and now, I'm stuck with the surly,grouchy,cranky Mr. C who thinks that the height of romance is when he buys me a new washing machine or vacuum cleaner!!(dramatic and loud sigh!!)All is not lost and  let's look at the bright side-at least i have spic and span,shining,stainfree clothes and clean,lint free carpets in my house!! Romance and passion doesn't make for such superb cleanliness-if anything-it creates more mess-literally and figuratively!!! Wink! Wink!

Motherly duties beckon-brat no:2 is wailing for me because he wants me to help him make a robot out of household waste-some stupid,cumbersome project from school!!! Sigh!! But i guess that's love too,definitely not the bells pealing and butterflies in the stomach love, but love is love is love!!! On that happy note,i sign off my friends and wish you all a happy, love filled-in whatever form- loving life!!! The keyword-you guessed it-is LOVE!!! Keep living and loving!! "O meri jaan,o meri jaan,kahan chaldi pyaar ki pungi bajaa kar!!"

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Nonsanse peoples!! No bloody shense of humar!!!

Subah please 3 baatoein par dhyan de-
Parents ke paas jao taki wo apko hug kare
Friend ko sms karo taki wo be hug kare
Toilet se jaldi niklo taki dusre b hug sakey!!!!

Ha! Ha! Sorry! I know very crass and totally belies my ahem! sophisticated image. But what to do-sometimes brainless humour is required to get through the day or night or afternoon or evening or whatever!!

Bear with me-just a few more----

Sardarji sari raat mujra dekhta raha.
Mujrewaali boli-saheb hamne aapko khush kiya ab aap bhi hamko khush kar do.
sardarji-achha ab tu baith mein nachta hun...

Dear Katrina Kaif,
It's just a mango drink,not mango flavoured condoms!! Take it easy girl!!!!

After operation, a girl to doctor-how soon can i resume my sex life???
Doctor-you are the 1st patient to ask this question after a tonsil operation....

Most Delhiites believe punctuality is like having an orgasm....
the later you come,the more successful  you are....

Women drivers are like stars in the sky, you can see them but they cant see you.

Ok, enough!Won't write anymore stupid jokes. But just in a pretty whacky,crazy mood . Was just reading about our darling Mamta di and how she got some poor seventy year old professor arrested and put behind bars because he circulated some cartoon of hers!!! The pits!! What's Indian society coming to?? Have we become so intolerant that we can't stand anyone poking fun at us or having an opinion? Is this what democracy is about? What about free speech and freedom of thought and action? Why can't we be more self-effacing and chilled out and learn to laugh at ourselves and see humour in situations. Isn't life as it is so heavy and serious and intense? Why cant we just kick back and let our hair down,relax and have a good hearty laugh and see ourselves with a fresh ,new perspective? Maybe their's some merit in someone else's point of view!

We are so easy to point fingers and laugh at other people but when it comes to us we all become such tight asses!! We take offence,bristle with anger,become indignant and overly sensitive.We take ourselves TOO seriously-our image in the eyes of the world has to be oh! so perfect and correct and untarnished that we don't realise that true perfection sometimes lies in minor imperfections!!Our individual eccentricities, our quirky traits make us who we are and unique and make us stand out from the crowd.If we were all ditto copies of each other-how boring life would have been!! So we do need all the weirdos and oddballs and nerds and "ghaatis" and "bhai-sahebs" and "behenjis" and society divas to make our life interesting and varied and educative!!! So smile folks,even learn to laugh a little at yourselves and let the world bring it onnnnnn!!

Missing in action!!

Hi folks! How are you?I have been missing in action the last of couple of months as have been tackling a lot of pressing issues on the home front. Firstly, my elder son,a.k.a brat no:1 went off to a weekly boarding school and my God! the whole process was so tumultuous,torturous and completely emotionally wrung me out! I have gone through the whole gamut of emotions in the last three months from happiness to his being accepted in one of the most prestigious schools in the country to sadness that my baby was finally leaving the nest and learning to fly by himself to extreme anxiety because he was being mercilessly bullied in the school hostel to anger at my inability and helplessness to help him out!!

So i have laughed,cried,lay awake numerous nights,pleaded,cajoled-the works!!! I am now a walking,talking encyclopedia on human emotions and human frailties and honestly now feel far older than the modest number of years that i have lived on mother Earth!!! Fine, i agree, that's an exaggeration!!! The number of years are not that modest but at least I'm still in my thirties-chalo i concede-late thirties but what the hell!!! Modest enough--the number of years that is!!!

Secondly after firstly that is, i have become obsessed with my body image. Just want to look thin,thinner and thinnest!! Which by the way is never happening since i am such a fond eater and that's a gross understatement! My family and friends will vouch for it. I love food-i can dream about it,fantasise about it,plot and plan my next meal for hours,take food centric vacations where i will have six straight meals in a day,watch all the foodie programs on television ranging from Nigella Lawson to Madhur Jaffrey to Gordon Ramsay to God alone knows who!!! Which brings me to my current predicament--how do i get to a waist size 26 when i pig out at least 26 times a month!!!

So then i try to over compensate by working out like a mad woman in the gym with my hair all astray and a wild,crazed look in my eye! I pound away at the treadmill as if no tomorrow and sweat a river on the cross-trainer, i vie with all the ahem! body builders in the gym for time on the strength training machines and i monopolise the lone trainer on the gym floor!!My goal always being to work off the Spaghetti Carbonara i had for lunch or the Chocolate fondant cake i had for tea or the double cheese omelette i had for breakfast!!!

 God! Please grant me some wisdom-or if that's a long shot-some self control at least!! Let me not start drooling or salivating the moment i cross a dessert shop in the mall,let me not buy all the foodie magazines in print,let me not pour over ten different recipes of "Moroccan lamb tagine" in the hope of deciphering it and passing along the exact instructions to my trusty cook Santosh to attempt making it at home!!

I guess its all a work in progress as am i! As are all of us! But as long as we keep on striving to do our best and be the best that we can be-it makes the struggle,the effort worth it! Life is about living,struggling,achieving,succeeding and of course failing! In fact i personally believe that failure is a better and bigger teacher than success because after a point in time we can start taking success for granted but failure rankles us,bothers us,keeps pinching at us and forces us to get up and take notice and sometimes that's what is required to get the job done!!!! Just the act of sitting up and taking notice!!!

So strive on and struggle on my dear friends!!! Ultimately we will all reach our destinations but in the meantime let's make the journey worth while and meaningful!! Adios!!