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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

CHAMAK-CHALLO!! YEAH I CONFESS! I WANT THAT TO BE ME!!

Hi folks! How's everybody doing? Haven't written in a while -well that's because i have been too busy- socialising!!! Eating,drinking,gossipping,shopping and yes thankfully also working out!! And miracles of miracles have finally lost some weight-Yippee! Yay! Yay! Will finally fit into the dratted minuscule dress that i bought in London many aeon's ago which cost a bloody bomb and which for so many months just sat in my closet mocking me every time i even looked at it calling me fatty! Moti! Tondu-mal!Tun-Tun! And even refused to budge down my bloody shoulders!! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Well,i am happy to inform you that finally i will be able to don that bitch of a dress  and preen in it without sucking/holding my breath and almost dying of suffocation in the process, for hopefully some grand New Years eve bash, wherever it happens!Just keeping my fingers crossed that it (the bash) actually happens and I'm not stuck at home with two surly kids, a forever grouchy husband,Doordarshan and Domino's pizza!! Please someone invite me for a party!!! Sob! Sob!! Just kidding folks and putting on my usual tragedy queen act!!

 Actually my social calender is bursting at the seams and my driver-Mr. Shivnarayan- is thoroughly fed up of me!! He's totally sick of carting me from place A to place B to place C and back to place A and wistfully talks with any one who cares to listen about the good-ole days when he was doing sahib's duty instead of memsahib's who's nothing but a social butterfly (please appreciate my honesty! ahem!ahem!) and as to how seedha his sahib is and how hard working and how easy its to do sahib's duty which just involves ferrying the grouchy sahib to and fro from office--baaki time chutti Shivnarayanji ke liye-kharantey maaro seat neechey karke ya radio suno aur bhuna mungfali khao!!

Anyway, who cares about the ruddy driver-he can take a hike in the nearest woods he can find or go fly a kite or whatever takes his fancy!!Touch wood ,i am just feeling very good these days. I think it's got to do something with the weather--winters in Delhi are just awesome! It's cold but not too cold and everything looks so fresh and green and lovely. I love wearing my stockings, tights, boots and mufflers and just heading out in the middle of the day to some nice,outdoorsy place for lunch or coffee or just dessert! I love sitting outdoors in  the meetha-meetha dhoop as my darling naani calls it and chatting nineteen to the dozen with my girlfriends! We talk about everything and believe me we eat everything!

My darling friend, Sexy Shal,will vouch for it!! She gets amazed when we meet for our monthly girlie lunches ,at the quantum and variety of food we ingest!! We would put the Romans to shame! How we feast and drink as if there's no tomorrow!!! The poor gal is left dumbfounded and stuffed to the gills!! She says that she cant bear to have a morsel of food for two days after we meet because she has binged so much with us!! Maybe will now give her a strip of Pudin-hara or Zentac as a back present from the girlie-lunches! But what the hell! My motto in life is to khao,piyo aur mast raho!Dieting-shieting mein kya rakha hain! The more you deprive yourself the more you want of the deprived goody!

 So eat well,don't deny yourself and work out regularly!That's it! That's the mantra of looking good and feeling happy! Hate the look of those anorexic,waif thin,haggard looking auntie types roaming around in their size-zero figures and size-negative grey matter! "Nahi ji hum toh sirf do patey salad ke hi khakar kush hain"! What bullshit! Is it just about your bloody weight? What about the glow on your face or the radiance of your persona which comes through when you are truly contented,well fed and satisfied?? Cant figure it out! Anyway each to their own! Why should i care!! I toh will have my soup,salad ,pasta and chocolate lava cake! So what if later i get my arse kicked in by my very dhookhi trainer at the gym!! It's worth it!! I am worth it!!

Another thing that i am coming to terms with is that i am not going to feel guilty anymore about splurging or pampering or indulging myself or having a good time! What the hell! Why the shit not?? Am i just a wife or mom or daughter or sister??!!Is that my only identity??No, a resounding no!! I am not just that! I am also a woman-a human-being with my own individuality and opinions and eccentricities!I am me and now i am not going to apologise or be sheepish or be embarrassed about anything that's me!!This is the way i am-take it or leave it honey! The choice is yours! I deserve to be irreverent,silly, frivolous and superfluous at times! I am so sick of being the mature,serious ,responsible adult all the time-of having to live up to expectations-of always wanting to set a good example! It's just so exhausting and draining! Sometimes it feels so good to be bad,to be naughty,to be bitchy,to be selfish!Being the good girl always, is such a weight on ones shoulders and one which i am not willing to carry all the time! I deserve some time off-we all need a break to recharge and re-energise and indulge the devil within!! Don't u think?? We all deserve to have some fun and keep our basic spirit alive! 

 I now want to let my hair down and have a ball. I want to be stupid and funny and immature. I want to laugh at me and make other people laugh with me. I want to enjoy my life and whatever years of youth that are left. In either case,another decade and i am over the hill! So i want to hold on desperately to whatever vestige of high spirits and effervescence that's left in me. I want to party and i want to dance and i want to have a ball. I want to make up (with girlfriends who i have fought with and past boy friends who i have broken up with) and make out ( preferably with George Clooney or Farhan Akhtar types!! Ha! Ha! Just kidding!)!

I want to run,jump and skip.I don't want to be told what to do and how to do it and to hold back!I want to let go and be let off! I want to do and then maybe think. I don't want to worry or fret or fume! I want to be brash,rash,spontaneous and impulsive. I am sick to death of planning ,prioritising and scheduling.  I want to dance to Chamak-challo and frankly now i want to be a Chamak-challo!!I want to be pretty and sexy and have gals envying me and guys drooling after me!! I care a rats ass if people think i am going through a mid-life crisis  and trying to relive my youth! So what?! It's only mid-life and not end-life!!!!! Khao,piyo,jiyo aur bajao (gaana i meant! you sick,naughty people!!) Get a life people!! Stop being slaves!!

So go out, feel the sunshine on your face,breathe in the fresh air, eat,drink,make merry,make love,laugh,smile,cry!! Live and do not just exist!!! It will all be over too soon my friend!!!Make the final act count! Be loved and missed and remembered!! Be unforgettable because that's what you deserve!

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

"MUJHSE FRAINNDSHEEP KAROGE?"

I have decided that i want to go back to Kindergarten.God! How simple life was then...take for example the process of making friends in Kindergarten,you simply approached the nearest person your age and said "hi,want to play? And ta-da! You had yourself a new best friend,it was as easy as that. No judgement,no interrogation,just unbiased friendship and trust,right from the start. There were no fears of how you looked,no wondering what to say,what you could have in common or what they would think of you,it was simple and innocent.

Now i am by no means a shy or reticent person,i have no issue with chatting with anyone,anywhere at anytime.I am genuinely interested in other people and how they are doing. I quite pride myself as a people's person. I am good at small talk and can easily carry on conversations but unlike in kindergarten moving from small talk to friendship does not come as easily for adults. You cannot very well walk up to a stranger and say , "hi,i am lonely or bored! wanna play with me?" In fact that's a sure shot way of inviting trouble and lots of it especially in "sadi dilli" where everything is taken as a double entrende and i would most definitely be permanently labelled as a "chaloo-cheez." 

The innocence of our childhood and the instant trust wears off quickly as we grow older. Friends stab us in the back,the news fills our heads with the negative outcomes of getting close to strangers and self doubts causes us to hold ourselves back for fear of rejection or being mis-understood or being taken for a ride. No longer do we look at other people as potential friends or buddies,we judge,we criticise and keep our distance.Not only does maturity change us,our lives but the world around us has changed too. We have become more bitter,hardened and cynical. We view everything and everyone with suspicion.

What does it matter? Why am i rambling on about making friends you ask? Well i will tell you why. To be perfectly honest, i am bored out of my skull being the ideal mom and the glamorous corporate wife to my high flying hubby. I think somewhere along the line i have lost my essence-the essence of being Sheeba-of being me! My individuality has disappeared and most times i operate on auto-pilot. My life is mundane,routine and very yawn worthy. There's nothing which motivates me or inspires me anymore to push myself to be the best that i can be. I have literally seen it all and done it all-well almost all!!! I have to confess that i am not an adrenalin junkie so haven't gone bungee jumping or white water rafting or jumped from aeroplanes just wearing a parachute or gone deep sea diving!! But those things don't interest me and are not my cup of tea so i don't miss them.

But yes i miss going to some exotic village in Europe and just getting lost there-of not having a plan or an agenda-of just soaking in the ambiance,the culture,just sitting in a cafe having a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and observing people as they scurry about doing their day's business. I miss that sense of freedom,of trust,of having no worries,of just chilling and relaxing and just being. I miss smiling at people and just engaging in idle chatter with random people-male or female,old or young-doesn't matter. It's about the human connect-everything has become so automated these days. Even if one wants to share something with a loved one, we prefer to text or e-mail rather than just meeting face to face or picking up the phone to chat.

The human connect is all about making eye contact,sharing experiences and feelings,to learn about things that i am not aware of or acquainted with. I want people to understand me,people to see me for who i really am, i want people who can trust me and whom i can trust. I don't want to pretend or posture or pose or preen in the typical "delhite" fashion. I just want to be me without the charade or the facade which our society imposes on us!!

I am also sick to death of worrying about what people will think of me if i just strike up a  conversation with a stranger. I don't want anybody to think that i have an ulterior motive or that there's more to it than meets the eye or that I'm sick of my marriage and looking for a fling!!! Please don't be shocked-some people do think like that-they feel that if an attractive woman is smiling or chatting with you then she's easy game-"chokri pett gayi hain." Sick and repulsive! What they don't understand is that i just want to connect even if it's through a simple nod or a casual chat. It may seem silly or possibly pointless to you but for me it is akin to doing my good deed for the day. A smile is a sign of an open heart and clean mind.Friendship can cure a lot of ills and drive away loneliness and can renew you and re-energise you.

 So i have decided that i am going to completely ignore the "ghattis and cheapos" and their loose talk and as i walk down the street or mall or take my kids to their bus-stop or work out in the gym or wait at the dentists or sit alone having a cup of tea at Barista,i will smile. I will try and make friends where i can and where appropriate and brighten people's day through tiny/minuscule gestures because as they say God is in the details!! We are so quick to criticise but tell me honestly how many of us are that quick to praise or appreciate??!

I would rather say something nice that brings a smile to your face than say something that hurts or pinches you!Big bloody deal!No body's perfect and that's why we are human- so then why not try and ignore the negatives which we all have and focus more on the positives!I will definitely try to do so and will remember that making a difference means doing things that are both big and small and that sometimes it is the smallest of gestures that make the biggest impact on our lives.

Friday, 2 December 2011

NOW IT'S GOING TO BE ALL ABOUT ME!!!!

I think i have finally come to terms with the realisation that i am getting older or lets put it more delicately getting more mature with the advancing years-i don't think that's very delicate but what the hell!! A spade is a spade is a spade!! This shocking information came to light in the form of my recent birthday party which turned out to be quite a rocking affair but i have decided that in the future i want a quieter celebration ceremony. I would just rather go out with my family including our parents and kids to a favourite restaurant for dinner and maybe crack open a bottle of champagne and really spend quality time with my loved ones and talk and chat and laugh and discuss and really build some enduring,everlasting memories.

Another thing that really gets me bogged down these days is getting dressed to go out. It usually takes me two hours and nineteen outfit changes and causes considerable irritation to Mr. C who is expected to give a running commentary as i try and model each outfit, desperately seeking his approval !!! Some clothes that i had purchased, suddenly look baggy and frumpy and others look too tight and short/slutty. Oh! the dilemmas of having a closet full of clothes. Another aspect that really makes me feel that i am past my "use by date" is the fact that i can't wear my killer heels anymore for sustained periods of time.I used to be able to run in them till a few years back or at least dance the night away!! Now in a couple of hours of wearing them, i am cringing and grimacing and dying to get rid of them!!

 I have decided now that i would rather be comfortable than be sexy!! That's actually my new mantra! Comfort over looks any day! But it's quite sad though, because even if i blow my own trumpet, i have the most awesome collection of stilettos!! I have them in all colours-black being the most predominant but i also have red,fuchsia,turquoise,yellow,green,various shades of brown,golden,silver and every other colour conceivable. They are my pride and joy. In fact, my shoe wardrobe is ten times better and more extensive than my dress wardrobe because i always believe that shoes or let's say the right accessories can make or break an outfit!!I have so many times worn the simplest of dresses with the most gorgeous heels and have got compliments galore!! I think wearing heels just improves your posture and figure! But sigh!! those days are firmly in the past!!

Well back to my current birthday party-it actually got me thinking of my younger days. In those golden!!! days , i probably would have dressed to the nines (the nines being a tight,short,flashy,trashy dress with strappy,sparkly,shamefully uncomfortable stilettos and not much else!!) I would have danced too much,drank too much,laughed too much,maybe flirted a little and probably would have woken up on the bathroom floor in a mess with a raging headache and blistered feet. Not a very pretty sight indeed! This seems to be the general pattern of my birthdays in my "younger years". So although it maybe depressing to admit that age and maturity are finally catching up with me after two kids, and countless lessons learnt, i can proudly say that i awoke on the day after my birthday comfortably in bed! No major headache,no hangover and certainly no mess to clean up. I guess growing up is not all that bad at all!!

The flip side to the above is that now i feel i have lost my zest for life somewhere,that chutzpah that people found attractive and appealing about me is gone,disappeared,evaporated!!That madness, the craziness,the daring,that never say die spirit is missing! I was always up and game for anything,my enthusiasm and joie-de-verve was infectious!!Sometimes when i think back to years ago, i wonder with some tinge of forlornness that what happened to that young woman with big dreams and even bigger drive? I wonder where that part of me went that wanted to achieve greatness? I know the dreams are still in me but i excuse them at the drop of a hat....i push them aside with the justification that i have children who need me,responsibilities to tend to. I convince myself that my dreams are unachievable and that is a terrible thing to do to yourself.

These days i aim for passable rather than perfection. I strive to have happy kids, rather than make the kids of Africa happy!! I don't jump for joy at some good news or hoot and holler and wail when sometimes i hear bad news! I still have goals...they are just simpler and often seem unrewarding in a sense. I try and get things done little by little and force myself through each day. I try to smile and make others smile around me. It actually makes me feel despondent that everything i do has to be a concerted effort! The things that i took for granted earlier don't come naturally to me anymore,that i have to push,goad and motivate myself to do every goddamn little thing!!Pissing off!!

So this year, i remind myself that yes although i have kids who need my care,love and attention to be happy, i also need to be happy as well. I need to remember that the happier i am,the better i will be as a parent. I need to remind myself that sometimes life can wait and that dreams no matter how big or small are worth at least trying to achieve.The worst that can happen is failure and even failure is a lesson learnt,thus success in some sense.

 So i have decided that the next year is going to be all about me because i deserve at least one year of attention i think!!I am going to quit making excuses for myself and do what makes me happy,even if it seems hard or wrong for you!! Like a stuck,scratchy record i will reiterate,that right and wrong is very subjective and frankly now i care a damn!! I will do what's right for me and not what's right in the eyes of the world!! It's my life and i will live it as i see fit-the disapproving faces and tongues can butt out!!

Sunday, 27 November 2011

JO BHI MAIN, KEHNA CHAHOON ,BARBAAD KAREIN ALFAAZ MERE!!!

I love the above lines from a song from the movie "Rock Star." I loved the movie-i thought it was brilliant and Ranbir Kapoor even more so.I am amazed at his acting skills,his sincerity to the role that he's portraying,his realism and the very mature,balanced head that he carries on those shoulders. But i guess it was expected-look at his pedigree-son of my favourite actors of all times-Neetu Singh and Rishi Kapoor. Both of them so naturally effortless and brilliant and sadly who never really got their full due as the most popular mainstream actors. But that's life!! Sometimes the most brilliant stones are left unpolished, just as rocks, because nobody has the foresight to recognise their true potential!!

Any way getting back to the lines from the said song. I will repeat them again-jo bhi main,kehna chahoon,barbaad karein alfaaz mere!!!! Wow!! Can it get more deeper,truer and more profound then that? I dont think it can and on so many levels it rings a bell!I have done it-not once-but hundreds of times and with people that i love and feel a great affinity to! Sometimes you just want to say something or express something so bloody simple -like saying a simple "i love you" to someone who's precious to you ,which incidentally is what Ranbir Kapoor's character in the afore-mentioned movie really wanted to say to Nargis Fakhri's character-but instead it got complicated due to societal norms, hypocritical standards of morality,confusion at the sudden onrush of feelings,false pride,ego,guilt and the non-realisation of what's really important and dear and true!!

To illustrate my point further i will explain two scenarios to you-hopefully you get the gist.Firstly,I am sick of this hypocritical society which openly condones and accepts a man going to a prostitute to satisfy his physical needs and desires!! I mean look around you!! Wake up and smell the coffee!!What are these Bangkok and Pattaya jaunts all about?I am certainly not generalising and putting everyone under the same umbrella, or  saying that every ones treading that path only but believe me those are the rare exceptions!! Ninety five percent men when they make a beeline to the above mentioned places with other men are going there for one and one purpose only-to get laid!!That's it!! We may keep trying to sugar-coat it and we may keep trying to be fool ourselves that no yaar! my hubby's going to play golf or he's going for a business trip or he suddenly loves Thai food but  puhlease!! Get real!!

 By the way let me give you a startling piece of information-it does not happen just with the men now-a- days!! Those are stories of yore!! Increasingly more and more women are treading down that path too!!The Sati-Savitri days are over! Women seek physical gratification too and quite unabashedly and why not?? But the difference being that most women will not actively seek it if they are being looked after and appreciated at home because women are basically more emotional creatures plus they are the receptors and they have to bear the rather unpleasant consequences if actually something goes wrong!! But with most men and please note that i use the word most and not all, physical gratification by any and every means seems their bloody birthright!!! I will sow my wild oats and as far and wide as i can--that seems to be the  male mantra!!I was born to burrow my one eyed snake inside as many tunnels as i can find!! Shocking but true!!

But again who am i to judge!It's a hushed,not talked about but accepted fact!! It has been happening from time immemorial from the days of the Rajas and Nawabs with their harems and multiple begums and daasis and will happen till time immemorial till dooms day arrives and we are all struck by lightning or floods or a meteorite crashing into earth or something as cataclysmic as that!! Anyway to really get to the point-society even if it does so grudgingly-accepts the above, but heaven forbid and hell hath no fury if two people specifically a man or woman who are otherwise attached/legally bound to other people,really do like each other, get along,connect and vibe mentally!! Busji!!Mar gaye!Death by guillotine! Phaansi pe chadhe do !Fireworks, patakas,atom bombs and nuclear bombs!!! And i am talking about platonic relationships mostly.

 Why yaar?? Why such hypocrisy? Only because i am married or attached i can't be friendly or have feelings of affection or caring for somebody of the opposite sex!! Why can't two people just relate to each other as persons and human beings!! What's this mard-aurat chakkar all the bloody time!! There's life beyond sex and physicality!Why can't i just enjoy and revel in somebodys company without getting labelled a challoo- cheez or somebody who has loose morals!! When will we all grow up and become mature as a society and realise that not every relationship is worth labelling or tainting!!! There are some ties of the mind,heart and soul which are undeniable and indefinable and are actually as pure as the driven snow and that there is nothing dirty or lurid or murky about them!!

I have been pondering about it for months now! Why is it that a man/woman can have a one night or two night stand or lets say a brief sexual encounter and get away with it but if there's actual friendship and caring and camaraderie ,we all start getting so jittery and nervous and hysterical specifically like i mentioned before if the parties are otherwise attached!! And i wouldn't be hypocritical and pretend to be Mother Teresa and say that i have never felt those emotions!! I have and have created unpleasant scenes where i have threatened and given ultimatums to my spouse/partner in a similar situation!!

 So that's just it--we sometimes complicate so many things in our heads-we want to say something but we say exactly the opposite because we don't want to take responsibility for our words or deeds! We are always so shit scared that what we say will be misconstrued and misunderstood and that the other person will then take advantage or we may feel guilty that what we say to some other person may hurt our current partner and maybe showing them some form of disrespect or disloyalty!!

Uff tauba!! It's enough to drive an absolutely sane person insane!! In the end i can just say that trust your feelings and emotions which come from the heart because God resides in all of us, in our hearts and souls and he will never put us down a wrong path-if it feels right it is so and if it doesn't then it's not so and quit it immediately!! Sometimes we all have to take a leap of faith and surrender to Him!! He's our Lord and Master and we have to succumb to his will! He writes our kismet and destiny and who are we as mere mortals to question His wisdom?! Go with the flow and leave everything else in his hands and always remember that whatever happens always does so for the best!! That's the one unquestionable and absolute rule!!! So quit worrying and obsessing about every little detail and incident!! Surrender to him and he will show you the path!!! Amen!!!

Thursday, 24 November 2011

LIFE'S A BITCH!! SOMETIMES!! AND SO AM I!!

Hi folks! How's everyone? Have been feeling pretty screwed the past couple of weeks so therefore haven't even written. Lot's happening in my life and most of it not so good. My grand mom's is in the hospital literally fighting for her life, brat number number one is driving me mad with his bizarre and out of control shenanigans and antics-"budhi ka bhrastachar" that's how i describe what's happening with him. My beloved Mr.C now lives on a completely different planet altogether called the "barklay world" (have misspelt the damn word  on purpose-don't want to get sued or something!!) and is completely preoccupied, self absorbed and oblivious to everything and everyone else!! The only thing that matters and registers in his brain is work! work! And  even more work!! Hmmmmm, maybe not such a bad thing after all if i can get past the initial irritation-there are worse things that men can do and actually do!! So in retrospect, thank God, it's only work that he's completely consumed and occupied with-no hanky panky stuff!!

I am just running from pillar to post trying to organise my life and frankly am feeling very frayed,low and run down. Just don't seem to have the energy to do anything and what's even worse have seem to lost all enthusiasm for things that i was so passionate about earlier, for instance writing this blog or going for a great workout or reading a good book or listening to some great music!! Surprises of surprise seem to have lost all interest in food!! Now that's a biggie because i have always been so in love with food!! That's been one of the biggest passions of my life and maybe my most enduring love story!!


So whether it's Chinese or Thai or Italian or Mediterrean-nothing elicits excitement from me anymore!! So whether i have Salt n Pepper prawns or dal n roti its all the same to me now. The one visible/positive advantage of my loss of appetite, is that yes i have finally lost some weight and am finally fitting into those sexy,black,skin tight jeans which i bought a month ago. So that's the only silver lining.Everything else is dull and grey!!

The weekend is almost upon us so have decided will just have to cheer up. Don't want my kiddos seeing their normally full of beans mom so down in the dumps. So have decided will go for lunch with a couple of girlfriends and catch up on all the gossip that i have missed out on-who's doing what and who's doing whom type of stuff-very entertaining and very distracting!!Just the kind of stuff that i need right now!! Entertainment and distraction being the key words! So will don my black,knit dress and the new knee high 5 inch tall boots that i was just presented on my birthday and make my way to the Emporio mall to lunch with the "gurrrlsss" and make them all go green with envy with my new found waistline!!!


Yay! That sounds like fun and will definitely down a couple of glasses of wine and make sure that everyone else does so too so that our tongues are sufficiently loosened to really get the conversation going!! After that, have decided  will go bust up some serious monies and put the American Express credit card that Mr. C has given me to good use. Serious retail therapy is what i need to pull me out of the dumps and maybe chocolate macaroons and cappuchino after!

Also really looking forward to watching "The Dirty Picture". Have never really liked Vidya Balan too much but she seems to have done a fantastic job and is oozing sexuality and sensuality in every frame of this picture .She's just so unabashed and uninhibited about it which is so refreshing and appealing!! The movie as we all know is based on Silk Smita's life and what i find admirable about this sexy, southern siren is that she was so unapologetic about her life! She was so proud of being all woman and took advantage of all her God given assets to the hilt! She was what she was and never pretended to be anybody else and was not the slightest bit embarrassed or hypocritical about her image!Infact that was her hugest strength and biggest sex appeal!

Not everything in life is black or white or right or wrong! There are shades of grey everywhere that we look and it's all very subjective! What's right for me maybe completely wrong for you and vice versa! So who the shit am i to sit in judgement of you or anyone else for that matter! I don't know your life and i don't know what's happening behind closed doors so why in hell should i impose my moral standards on you and label you?!! Fine, i agree that we all don't go around with halos around our heads and do enjoy some juicy gossip once in a while but that's just what it is-just some silly girlie talk which has no malice or bad intentions! Whatever is talked or discussed is done so with the sole purpose of adding some "chat-masala n nimbu" to our dull and frankly quite drab lives but not really to cause any damage or hurt to anybody!!

Live and let live-that honestly should be our mantra !! We are no one to judge or comment on anyone's life! Everyone is entitled to live their life as they see fit and derive happiness and satisfaction as they see fit!!It's only one life and a bloody short one at that plus God gave us free will--who are we as mere mortals to take that away from anyone and tell that person that this is right and this is wrong!! Ultimately, if we make mistakes they should be ours alone and we will learn from them and that too is one of the most important lessons in life!! Accepting and learning. Till you fall and bleed and cry, how the hell do you ever learn to walk or stand or balance and ultimately run?!!

So quit the bull shit folks!! Quit the commenting,judging,sermonising,criticising and just accept people for what and who they are! We all have our pluses and minuses and no one's perfect so lets start enjoying and taking delight in each others perfections and imperfections!! Life and living is all about change,surprises -some pleasant and some not so,ironies, differences and a whole variety of people-yes, living,breathing,feeling people who cry and laugh and joke and bitch and fart and burp and belch!!!They are not objects so don't treat them as such!!


Enjoy and adapt to each and everyone around you, accept who he/she is for what he/she is and then see how the positive feelings are reciprocated back!! You will be accepted for what you are and who you are and will not have to pretend or posture anymore and will be much happier and calmer and at peace! Isn't that what life is all about?? Being happy,calm and at peace? Worth a thought--what say you?

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Botox time!!!!

Oh to the woes of the drama that is my life......time for an update on the madness surrounding me!! First and foremost, the event that is currently giving me major stress and sleepless nights--my upcoming happy birthday !!! Yes, i turn thirty eight on the blasted eighteenth!! Just two years away from the "potty forty" (i have coined that phrase by the way because that's what it really is)!!

Women the world over may pretend to rejoice on turning forty and may have the most fabulous bashes thrown for them by their spouses/partners but the real truth is that deep inside most of us are withering masses of jelly at this unfortunate turn of events -weeping and having mini-meltdowns at the thought of turning forty. It's a scary number and signifies the near end of a lot of things that you could take for granted earlier-like firm jawlines and perky boobs!! Most of us now have to contend with sagging bellies and droopy butts! By the way i believe that now even butt uplifting creams are widely available in the market! As if wrinkle vanishing creams were not enough now we have to contend with butt massage creams too!! So some of us ,may put on Oscar award winning performances of joyous abandon on turning forty (or thereabouts like me) but a performance it is and nothing more!! We may or may not do a good job of concealing our anxiety but anxious we are!!ANXIOUS in capital letters if you please!


Sob! Sigh! Alas!! Another precious year of my fast ebbing youth gone by!! Anti-wrinkle creams are passe now!! Have been using them for the past decade without any results what so ever!!Have a new wrinkle almost every week lately!The "I'm worth it" Loreal hair color has limited uses too!! Need a bloody touch up every three weeks!!My salon bills are sky high and Mr. C never fails to give me a sardonic grin and caustic comment when he reconciles my credit card statement every month!! In fact i am thinking of instructing Citibank just to send me a concise statement informing me about the total amount due instead of a painful detail by detail statement of every charge that i incur in the desperate hope of prolonging my almost lost allure!! It would actually save me a lot of embarrassment in front of hubby dearest!!


So every morning i wake up and rush to my dresser ,to examine my face carefully under six halogens looking for new lines and crows feet, with growing desperation and dread!My dresser counter is over loaded with almost every line busting cream available in the market some of them bloody obscenely expensive!! What is it about getting older that scares us so much? Is it just the fear of losing our youth/beauty/vitality/vibrancy/ strength/energy or is it about losing our place/influence in society,family because we are now too old /ineffectual and infirm to really make a difference or do the things that we did with such effortless ease earlier??!! Ponderable questions really! Another thing which really scares me is the dreaded menopause! I know still have quite a few years till i hit that landmark but even then!! I never thought that i would look forward to my monthly period but now that i have become fully aware of the after effects of not having them, i am quite happy to go with the flow literally.


Most of us in the age bracket of 35-45 years are trying to stop the incessant tick-tock of time so we are exercising more,eating better,drinking less,dressing better and actually looking better as a consequence. Isn't that a paradox? But i guess the flame always burns brightest when its about to be extinguished!!!! God! I am really getting morbid in my old age!!!No more rona-dhona talks!! Have to get busy with the happy birthday party planning!!


Mr.C who should actually be doing all the dirty work has been away the past ten days!!! He has been wining,dining and hopefully not sixty nining in London the past whole week!! He landed back on Desi shores on Sunday-slept throughout the day,got a three hour long massage in the evening, chatoed the wall-street journal and his plate of seekh rolls and then slept again!!! With the arrival of Monday morning, he packed his boriya-bistar again and flew off to the land of idlis and dosas--sorry! hopelessly cliched there!!

Anyway that leaves me- poor ole hyper,overly strung,totally stressed out me-to get the show on the road!! So spent two hours  on the phone yesterday with the caterer deciding the final menu .God! Pain in the butt catering to the palate of our dilliwalas! So did a nice hotch-potch of Indian,Chinese and Thai. Then spoke to the bartender-he gave me a mile loooong list of daaru that would be required. Almost fainted with shock! He wanted twenty five bottles of hard liquor-whisky being the most pre-dominant- for sixty people!Please note that the wine list and the beer list was separate and equally exhaustive!!How much do we drink? Do we all want to die of alcohol poisoning or cirrhosis of the liver in the near future or what?!! Anyways called my trusty bootlegger and procured the same.Then spoke to the d.j and told him about all the "chamak challo" and "character dheela" numbers that i wanted him to play!!


Now feeling more in control and on top of things! Have finally decided what i want as a birthday gift from hubby dearest! Will spend the next two days on his expense in the very expensive spa next door getting every line and wrinkle smoothened out and do a thorough read up on botox injections and face/boob/butt lifts for future birthday/anniversary gifts. Got to run now to fix up my appointments!! Toodles!!

Sunday, 13 November 2011

The only rule of love-- "sax,sax and even more sax!!"

Have just started reading this book "The forty rules of love" by Elif Shafak. All my girl-friends were raving about it so i thought what the hell-"padh lete hain shayad koi vishesh tipnees mil jayein life or love ke baare mein aur shayad es banjar zameen per koi phool khil jayein!"

 Mr. C though was very amused and kept teasing me mercilessly that forty rules were too much and that there was only one sure shot way to garner a man's love and affection and that was through the "sax,sax and even more sax" route!!! I was pretty disgusted by this (profound??) revelation as i had always mistakenly thought that the way to a man's heart if nothing else works, lies through his stomach (that's acceptable enough) but now was informed that the shortest route is via his Penis!!

Oh the bloody Penis! What a bloody trouble maker and pain in the ass it is, literally and figuratively !I think it's the root cause of all the ills plaguing our society today. If it wasn't there, 90 % of all our troubles would vanish.! The world would stabilise, the scandals would disappear, a fantastic, effective President like Bill Clinton would not come close to impeachment, Strauss Kahn of the I.M.F would not have been jailed for allegedly molesting a hotel maid and playing catch-catch with her all over the hotel suite naked, the Ex- Prime Minister of Italy-Berlusconi would not be busting up millions of Lira's on "Bunga-Bunga" parties with paid escorts and companions and our very own N.D Tiwari would not be caught romping in bed with two women at the ripe old age of seventy five!!! 

Too much raving and ranting about such a little, indescript organ so lets get back to Mr.C and his, in my opinion, rather crude comment.I wasn't too amused and gave him really disapproving looks-here we were talking about deep,intense,life changing emotion and feeling and all that most of you men could think of, was well, pleasures of the flesh!! Quite disheartening and heart-breaking really and again highlights the stark difference between men and women!! For most women i think, love is an all consuming,insane,logic defying,abiding sacrosanct feeling that is all about the mental,emotional and then physical connect. The physicality always comes later ,initially it's always the mental involvement .Most women are in love with the idea of love and have grown up on a steady diet of  "Mills n Boons" and tall,dark handsome strangers who suddenly appear and sweep us off our feet!

I confess that to a certain degree we do romanticise love in our  heads where we expect sweet nothings from our beloved via calls,text messages,bbms. We also want to be courted and wooed, we want long stemmed red roses, shero-shayari,wine ,low-cal french food (if it exists) ,diet chocolate truffle pastries(if they do exist too!) and then a kiss! For most women, please note, the kiss is actually more important than the actual act itself. It's a defining moment when two pairs of lips  meet-it could actually cement or completely mar the fledgling relationship!! We dream about it,the kiss that is,fantasise about it,obsess about it,definitely talk about it and read up about it. We are walking-talking encyclopedias on the french kiss,the deep throated kiss etc etc. We want tenderness and passion,we want intensity and caring,we want bells to peal and angels to descend. Whereas for most men a kiss and declarations of love are just an easy route to get us into bed and bonk us! Chaloji , doh  minute madamji ko kiss kar lo and i love you baby bol lo aur phir masti aur mauj- wham,bam karo aur thank you maam bolo aur kalti ho jao!!


in fact read a really cute joke on the same lines which is very reflective on how men and women think and how behaviorally different we are as a species:-

A rooster goes into the hen house every day and kisses 9 out of the ten hens and pulls a feather out of the 10th hen. The rooster does this for 10 days and on the 11th day, the 10th hen says "excuse me, why do you come in here every day and kiss all the other hens  and completely ignore me and only pull 1 of my feathers?" " I feel so hurt,unwanted and neglected", says the hen.
The rooster pauses for a second and says "i like all of the other hens and so i kiss them, but you baby, i love and want to see you naked!!"

So there! Couldn't have put my point across better! Men do feel all emotion through their bloody dicks!!It's their one eyed barometer for all things relevant in their life. When they are up, it's up, in all it's resplendent glory twitching around and when they are down, it's down, lying all shrivelled up and withered, in hibernation!! Their heart is only for artery clogging cholesterol and heart attacks whereas we women  are bloody emotional fools/ idiots that wear our hearts on our sleeves and sacrifice our lives/ identities/goals/ambitions for the sake of happy and harmonious relationships with these boorish,crass, unfeeling, stony-hearted men!!

It seems that all we, women, have to do ,to have you, men, wound around our little fingers is to have sex with you-sitting,standing,lying down or maybe in the shower and then promptly disengage, roll over in bed and doze off to sleep and have the room reverberate with our deep,resonating snores!!! Bus behenji, that's what it takes!So just relax and stop agonising! You have just discovered the secret mantra to ever lasting love and affection with your mate!!!So please don't waste your time,effort,energy reading up back-dated issues ofcosmo's/vogue's and the various self help books on love,romance,foreplay and after play and just concentrate on the various gymnastic poses of love-making as popularised by the Kamasutra. Lotus style,butterfly style,doggy style,man on top,woman on top-all styles work as long as the end result remains the same -the big O for your hubby/partner dearest!!

So i am now officially trashing "The forty rules of love" into the bin and concentrating on "Lady Chatterley's lover". Maybe will get a tip or two in that book on how to ensnare my man and keep him mine forever!! Adios amigos!!! Keep practising your kamasutric positions and start reading up on Tantric sex-it will serve you better than the "ten new ways of redecorating your living room" that you are currently reading in Women's era!!!






Thursday, 10 November 2011

Awkward! Awkward! Awkward!!

There are some things that make me cringe. Some have a valid reason and some don't! Why some don't? I don't know...but i just start feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. Have tried to enumerate them below in the hope that they will make some sense:-

Men holding purses. Just find it very incongruous and bizarre. True, his companion had a limb in a cast but it was her foot, and not her arm. Why in the hell is he holding the huge Jimmy Choo? Is there a point being made here? Well, i am completely missing it!

Women screaming at their kids in public or even worse hitting them! It's so bloody  uncomfortable and makes me feel  so bad for the little twit ,even though i have probably also done it at some point in the past.

People being rude or high-handed or bossy with service staff. Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!I can never respect someone who picks on somebody who cant retaliate back!!! It shows lack of respect,cowardice, absence of class, "ghaatipana" and low self-esteem!! If you have a bone to pick, pick someone your size!!! Don't throw punches at people who due to various socio-economic reasons cant punch you back!!!

Women in the gym who refuse to buy support under-wear and have their mammary glands resting on their abdominal roll or lets say rolls. It looks plain ugly and is quite a repulsive sight. Lady, if you can invest sixty grand per annum on a gym membership why cant you invest two grand on a good bloody bra which will keep your ahem!! boobs in place and not have them lolling around everywhere making you look like a cow with udders!!

Men in the gym who strut around like vain peacocks, wearing the tightest of tees, in a bid to accentuate their overly worked out chests and biceps. They will then pair these tees with the tiniest of crotch hugging shorts  (uggghhhhh!!!) which only high light their scrawny,spindly legs!! God!Sick! I am ready to barf! I wish someone could inform  the esteemed gentleman/men how plain ludicrous and obscene they look!! It's not a turning-on but completely putting-off sight!I

Couples sitting together at a restaurant but not speaking a word to each other and avoiding eye contact. I find it so sad in fact plain tragic. How do things come to this? Isn't it amazing how human relationships can deteriorate so much with the passage of time? How couples once so in love can drift and grow apart so much that there comes a point in time, when you have nothing to say to each other in spite of sharing a home/life/kids together? It almost brings tears to my eyes.

Walking in on someone taking a dump or a leak!! Lock the damn stall you dumb ass!! I ain't interested in taking a peak at your private parts !!Find it the most mortifying experience ever!!! Usually just storm out of the loo without doing the deed myself because don't want to face the concerned person.

People not respecting elderly people or trying to take them for a ride. Find it sickening ,actually it makes me really angry. Have gotten into countless arguments/fights with random strangers who were doing the above. I know sometimes old people can be a bit irritating  with their rambling and lack of decisiveness but then it does have to do with depleted mental and physical faculties with the passing of time as per the law of nature. Nothing strange or weird about that...we all will have to go through it one day ...so lets give the wizened old lady/man some slack. This could be you or me thirty years down the road!!

Overly ingratiating and pesky sales staff in shops. They will keep following you around asking you this or that and it really starts getting on my nerves. I would appreciate being left alone to browse till i actually ask for help. But somehow they just don't get the drift and will keep trailing you like little,lost puppies till you get really firm with them and ask them to leave you alone.

Loud,brash,obnoxious people who keep throwing their weight around or keep dropping names. This really gets my goat and i completely avoid such people. Arrey yaar! Good for you if you just bought a Bentley or if Robert Vadra is your chuddy-buddy!! How does it affect me and hows it any skin off my back?? Great ,enjoy! Leave me alone-i am very happy with my Accord and with my real chuddy-buddies who are there for me when i need them and who are really my friends!!

Physically or mentally challenged people. I just feel so bad looking at them and feel even worse when i realise that my pity is the last thing that they need. I just wish that god could wave his magic wand and make all the ills and deformities disappear and make everyone equal in all respects at least where mental and physical faculties are concerned. It just seems so unfair that i have full use of my limbs and eyes and ears and mouth and brain whereas that pretty girl sitting there is deaf and mute from birth.

Beggars on the road. Get so confused wondering how to deal with them. Should i reach out into my wallet and give them some money or should i just stoically ignore them..pretending they don't exist?? This one is a real bummer! How does one know if the person begging and pleading in front of you is actually deserving of your help or are you just propagating a racket? Any answers on this one, please?

Overly pushy,domineering moms pushing their poor kids to the limits to perform,excel,outshine,outdo!! Compete! Compete! Compete seems to be the name of the game! What about just leaving the kid alone to do things that we as kids did or just letting them chill or do nothing. Why does there have to be a time-table/schedule for everything? Aren't our kids scheduled enough? Don't they deserve a break/downtime to just read a comic book or watch the idiot-box or just play with their friends. What is this frantic and frenetic schedule we put them on? I think we as parents just need to take a chill-pill and let our kids relax. Not every kid was born to be a topper or world class athlete or master artist or fluent pianist or a ballerina!! Let kids be kids and return their childhood back to them..That's the greatest gift that you can give to your child as his/her parent!!!

I could ramble on and on but i know their are limits to your patience so will sign off now! Ciao and take care!


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Ajeeb dastaan hai yeh!!! (Strange is this story!!)

I have to tell you this joke-just found it too phunnieee--
Camila,Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling,please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me....!
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camila, "harder".Charles yelled back:"I'm trying ,darling! but its just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! give it all you've got!"she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camila exclaimed, "there! oh, god,that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip, "see! i told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "oh,god,darling! this ones even tighter!"at which Prince Philip said to the Queen, "that's my boy! he served in the navy:once a Rear Admiral,always a Rear Admiral!" ha!ha!ha!

By the way never understood Charles obsession with Camila! I mean what exactly did he see in her?? She's neither very pretty nor very sophisticated. In fact find her quite horsey ,manly, withered and jaded and she doesn't seem to be very warm or fun loving either. I find her dress sense pretty atrocious too!Yet Charles loved her for decades and decades and all this while she was married to someone else and had her own platoon of kids!!! He craved for her,lusted for her,adored her,worshipped her and married her the first chance that he got!!!! I guess love is blind!

It becomes even more mystifying when you consider that he was married to Diana! Unarguably one of the most elegant,beautiful,sophisticated women in the world!!She had this sparkle and magic to her! She was almost ethereal and frankly it wasn't just about her beauty , it was also about what she as a royal and human-being  stood for! She helped countless causes and charities-in fact was more renowned for all the charitable and social work that she did then for the parties she attended or the jewels she wore! She travelled to the troubled spots of the world helping various causes. She i am sure, lit up every room that she walked into but so sad and tragic that she could never light up Prince Charles heart!! She bore him an heir and a spare, she put up with all the royal non-sense and bullshit,she became the queen of hearts of all and sundry yet was never accepted and loved by the very family that she was married into!!

My point being that you can be everything that you ever aspire to be yet you cant force someone to love you or care for you. It's all your destiny and your karma. You can have the world falling at your feet, you can try to be the best person that you are capable of being but when it doesn't click with that special someone ( special in your eyes!)/your partner, it just doesn't.What to do? It's all a case of a square leg trying to fit into a round hole. However hard you push and tug and struggle, it ain't happening honey!!So all the tears that you shed, you shed alone-theres nobody around to wipe them for you and all the heart-break you experience is yours alone to bear. You have to apply your own ointment /balm and also do your own bandaging. Wallowing in self pity doesn't help either-its so bloody boring and nonconstructive and frankly for how long can you do it!!

You cant be a Meena Kumari all your life-drinking yourself silly, getting puffy eyes ,putting on weight and waiting for bloody Dharmender to show up at your door to do a waltz with you when in reality hes romancing Hema Malini somewhere and bonking her right ,left and center!!

Sorry for digressing as usual! Got distracted by Meena Kumari! There's some sad song of her's playing on the idiot box. Anyway lets get back to the subject of love/ longing/rejection,so the best option instead of fighting and agonising and blaming, is just to reconcile with the indifference and lack of affection/feeling. Accept it and go with the flow. I guess we cant get everything in life. To quote Ghalib, "kisi ko mukamil jahaan nahi milta, kahin zameen toh kahin aasman nahi milta." Or if acceptance is not up your alley have the balls to make a change and alter your life's course! But frankly that's easier said than done because sometimes like they say there's just too much water under the bridge and just too many investments have been made in terms of time span/life's span,emotions,feelings,experiences and other associated people/family and so on and so forth.

I know i am beginning to sound like some third grade agony aunt now, so will conclude by saying that, without further ado lets  make a pledge to ourselves to be happy...to do things that bring us joy,to be with people who make us smile...life's so bloody short...no point in just whiling it away...all too soon we will be old and wrinkled...so lets have a party while we still can! Like the saying goes, that when God closes a door, he opens up a window somewhere ,so folks go find that window and once you find it,open it fully ,revel in it and then take a large gulp of fresh air and smile!!! You have one life and you owe it to yourself to be happy and only you are responsible for it!!! So go seek your happiness my friend/s and God bless!

By the way, i am neither Camila nor Diana nor Meena Kumari  or Hema Malini in the current scheme of things!! I am just an interested/observant third party looking in and commenting on relevant state of affairs!! This clarification is necessary for all my overly nosy,curious and definetely well-meaning friends!! Love you all!! Toodles!!

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

I WILL SURVIVE!!!

Last week has been crazy and not in a good way!!! My much awaited trip to London (my fave city in the whole world) got cancelled!! It was heartbreaking really because it was a much planned trip with our friends joining us and we had very lofty ideas of scouring the museums /art galleries and going for the opera and watching a musical or two!!! It was also supposed to be a foodie trip where we had decided that calories be damned and that we would have a proper English breakfast with sausages(chicken) and bacon (turkey)  and eggs-sunny side up and cream tea every single day either at Fortnum and Masons or Harrods or Harvey Nichols!! Their cream teas are to die for with raisin scones,clotted cream, strawberry/apple preserve and yummy ,dainty finger sandwiches!

Well all that came to a big nought because my darling grandmother decided to take a sudden and completely unexpected toss in the loo and fell down flat on her back breaking her arm, dislocating her frail shoulder and majorly injuring her dignity! Sorry! i know i am being extremely insensitive here but just stating facts! Anyway with her laid up in bed like that and in so much of pain and with a plaster on her arm, my darling mother screamed blue murder and absolutely put her foot down to baby sitting my two brats and gave me a two hour long lecture on the virtues of selflessness and sacrifice!!!

I heard the lecture stony faced and stony hearted and then tried my best to give my point of view but nothing worked. I tried vociferously arguing back/pleading with her/cajoling her but my dearest mom refused to  budge and with a heavy heart and teary eyed i cancelled my ticket the evening before my flight. Mr. C tried very hard to commensurate with me but frankly couldn't hide his glee!!! Glee because now he would get to save some money in terms of aborted shopping plans! His shopaholic/unrestrained wife wasn't accompanying him and now the bloody Pound could climb to ninety bucks a unit for all he cared. He didn't have to take care of Sheeba's endless bills plus he could ogle at all the English Roses he encountered uninhibited!!! Yippee! Yay! Yay! Life suddenly seemed good for Mr. C and he considerably cheered up.

The last couple of days he had been roaming around with a hangdog expression muttering and mumbling about expenses and too frequent holidays and insufficient pay and virtues of bachelorhood and of becoming a Brahmachari and taking sanyas in the mountains and so on and so forth!!! With these sudden developments life was suddenly looking good for him and he visibly perked up!! He got back his lost sense of humour/his famed wit and charm and definitely his appetite and walked with a bounce in his step and devoured aloo and peas cutlets for breakfast as if he had just escaped from some concentration camp and hadn't seen food in months!!

Anyway after this calamity, i sulked for a day or two, wallowed in extreme self pity, gave dirty looks to all and sundry, screamed at the brats and my maid, had four chocolate truffle pastries and three cinnamon doughnuts and endless cups of tea,thought about running away with a little jholi on my shoulder but then abandoned that idea equally quickly. Wouldn't be able to accommodate my hundred pairs of stiletto's and umpteen dresses in that little jholi or for that matter a jhola! Would have to arrange for at least a tempo to cart away all my belongings so the running away idea too came to a nought.

So then just sat footloose and fancy free trying to think up of new and innovative ideas to torture my sadistic family and make them pay!!! After scheme number twenty two, realisation and finally some sense dawned and i acknowledged that i was being rather silly and childish and i couldn't punish my family for my holiday getting cancelled. That Inshallah there would be many more such  holidays in the future and that i should think about my poor nani lying all bandaged and plastered instead of longingly thinking of the clothes rack of Selfridges and Topshop!!! 

So now i am constructively occupied in writing my blog and informing all you kind folk about the latest developments of my life and in planning my birthday party!! Yes! Its my birthday next week and i am quite excited! I frankly shouldn't be, considering the age i am at but nevertheless i am! Mentally i am still sixteen and the idea of having my own special day when  i can pamper myself and indulge myself without feeling guilty really makes me happy!! Plus i love the happy birthday party-i love getting all dolled up and getting my hair and nails done and wearing a killer dress and of getting together with all my friends and drinking and dancing till we literally drop!!! I think once a year i am allowed that indulgence of really going wild without any lectures or judgement!!

So lets see folks how things turn out this year. I am keeping my fingers crossed!!! I hope its a rocking party and everyone has a ball! Happy days are here again! So bottoms up!! Oh God!!! Do i hear Mr.C groaning from London already about the party kharcha??!!For once i am going to ignore him stoically and just feign complete indifference and complete lack of understanding and comprehension!! Where's my i-pod and where are the bloody ear phones???? Let's get this show on the road!! Cheerio!!


Tuesday, 1 November 2011

LUNCHING WITH THE GURRRLSS!!!!

MAJORLY STRESSED TODAY!!! WHY? DON'T KNOW OR ACTUALLY DO!! LUNCHING WITH THE LOVELY LADIES TODAY!! SO WHAT I WEAR IS IMPORTANT, WHICH BAG I CARRY IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT AND HOW I CARRY MYSELF IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!!! IN FACT  I ALWAYS GO INTO MINI MELTDOWN MODE WHENEVER I HAVE THESE MONTHLY LUNCHES TO ATTEND. MY DARLING MAID WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THE UPKEEP OF MY WARDROBE DREADS THE FIRST WEDNESDAY OF EVERY MONTH BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT THAT'S WHEN HER ALREADY PRETTY LOONY MISTRESS LOSES IT COMPLETELY!! SO DRESSES ARE PULLED OUT,TRIED ON, REJECTED AND SCATTERED ALL OVER THE ROOM!! JEANS ARE TUGGED AND PUSHED AND PULLED OVER THE AMPLE BOTTOMS WHILE SILENT PRAYERS ARE BEING OFFERED FERVENTLY TO THE ALMIGHTY BY BOTH ME AND MY MAID, AND WHEN THEY REFUSE TO BE ZIPPED UP IN SPITE OF EVERY ONES BEST EFFORTS AND HUFFING AND PUFFING, ARE DISCARDED TOO!! ALMOST LOSING FAITH IN THE NOTION OF A BENIGN BEING WATCHING OVER US!! ATHEISM, THAT'S THE WAY TO GO!

 THAT'S WHEN THE REAL HYSTERIA AND PANIC STARTS!! WHAT TO DO ? WHAT TO WEAR? WAIL!! CAN I JUST WEAR MY NEW, VOLUMINOUS PINK NIGHTGOWN WITH THE HEARTS AND TEDDY BEARS WHICH MR. C GOT FOR ME ON HIS LATEST "PHOREN" TRIP, WITH THE NUDE JIMMY CHOO HEELS AND PRETEND THAT THAT'S THE LATEST FASHION STATEMENT FROM ROME,PARIS, MILAN OR SHEEBA'S INSANE LA-LA LAND MIND??? AFTER MUCH THOUGHT AND FRANTIC DISCUSSIONS WITH THE FAWNING KEEPER OF MY WARDROBE, I DECIDE NOT TO!! AB KYA KAREN? SHOULD I TRY THE SKINNY JEANS I BOUGHT FOR MR. C FROM ZARA? THEY SHOULD FIT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT THEM FOR HIM. HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WEAR THEM EVEN IN TEN LIFETIMES EVEN IF HE HELD HIS BREATH THE WHOLE TIME!!! CANT WASTE THEM--CHALO LETS GIVE IT A TRY!! TRY THEM ON AND I LOOK HORRID BECAUSE EVERYTHING SAGS AT THE WRONG PLACES! THAT'S A NO GO SO ITS BACK TO THE BLOODY DRESSES. FINALLY PICK A STAID BLACK ONE WHICH MY MAID FISHES OUT FROM THE MOUNTAINOUS HEAP LYING ON MY BED. SHE TELLS ME "DIDI JEE, YEH TRY KARO. SHAYAD AAPKI TOND PE FIT AAJAYE". I FOLLOW HER INSTRUCTIONS MEEKLY AND GIVE  THE DRESS A TENTATIVE TRY! LO AND BEHOLD IT FITS ME PERFECTLY AND DOES ACTUALLY DISGUISE THE AHEM! BELLY AND THE MODEST TYRES AROUND THE WAIST QUITE EFFECTIVELY! ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAVE NEW RESPECT FOR SANJU-MY MAID!! SHE'S  IMMEDIATELY ELEVATED TO THE POSITION OF CHIEF STYLIST IN MY HOUSEHOLD.CHALO! AT LEAST ONE MAMMOTH TASK ACHIEVED.

NOW LETS COME TO THE NEXT GARGANTUAN OBSTACLE-WHICH BAG TO CARRY? THE L.V/GUCCI/PR ADA BAGS ARE ALL NOW SO PASSE!! THE OBJECT OF AFFECTION/ LUST/ DESIRABILITY IS THE NEW HERMES BIRKIN IN OSTRICH SKIN WHICH COSTS A RUDDY BOMB AND TAKES AT LEAST SIX MONTHS TO PROCURE!!!! EVEN FARHAN AKHTAR WAS FAWNING ALL OVER IT IN Z.N.M.D AND WAS LOVINGLY CALLING IT "BAGVATI"!!!NOW WHERE THE HELL DO I PROCURE ONE FROM AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE?? WELL TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, EVEN IF I HAD A BLOODY YEAR TO PROCURE ONE-WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO SO BECAUSE MY DARLING MR. C WOULD SCREAM BLUE MURDER ONCE I TOLD HIM THE PRICE.

HE WOULD GO INTO EXTREME DISAPPROVING MODE AND START LECTURING IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT PAUSE FOR AT LEAST SIXTY MINUTES. HE WOULD LOUDLY ESPOUSE AS TO HOW I HAVE LOST ALL VALUE FOR MONEY AND THAT WE WERE SERVICE CLASS PEOPLE WHO WORKED HARD TO MAKE ENDS MEET AND WERE EMPLOYED AND DID JOBS VIS A VIS PEOPLE WHO WERE RUNNING THEIR OWN BUSINESSES AND THEREFORE WERE EMPLOYERS AND HAD SACKFULS OF UNACCOUNTED FOR WEALTH BURIED DEEP IN THEIR TWENTY INCHES MATTRESSES AND THAT I SHOULD RISE ABOVE SUCH PETTY AND VULGAR SHOWS OF STATUS AND MATERIALISM AND SO ON AND SO FORTH!! HOW MY WIT ,CHARM AND INTELLECT SHOULD BE THE APPEALING FACTORS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY AND NOT A BLOODY TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR BAG THAT I CARRIED!!! EVEN THOUGH I PRETENDED COMPLETE DISDAIN AND DISINTEREST AT THIS OFT REPEATED LECTURE I WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING!! FRANKLY I HAD NO CHOICE!! NO WAY IN HELL WAS I EVER ACQUIRING THAT HERMES BIRKIN BAG, AT LEAST NOT IN THIS LIFETIME!! 

SO I GAVE A VERY MARTYRED SIGH AND WOEBEGONE LOOK AND CONCEDED DEFEAT. CHALO WILL MAKE DO WITH THE SILVER L.V WHICH I HAD BOUGHT MANY SEASONS AGO AND AFTER MUCH BARGAINING,PLEADING AND BARTERING WITH MR. C!! IT HAD ACTUALLY COVERED MY BIRTHDAY,ANNIVERSARY AND KARVA CHAUTH GIFT THAT FATEFUL YEAR!

AT LEAST THE OUTFITS DONE!! SANITY THREATENING HURDLE CROSSED. BOTH ME AND SANJU HEAVED A SIGH OF RELIEF AND HAD A CUP OF TEA! AFTER THAT SHE GETS BUSY IN BRINGING ABOUT SOME ORDER IN MY RATHER DISORDERLY WARDROBE AND I GET BUSY IN MY BEAUTY TREATMENT. FIRST THE OIL ,DAHI AND EGG IN MY HAIR, THEN THE MULTANI MITTI WITH MILK ON MY FACE, THEN THE TURMERIC UPTAN ON MY BODY!!!SOMEBODY WOULD THINK THAT I AM THE NAI-NAVELI DULHAN DOLLING UP FOR MY SAJAN! ROMEO-MY DOGGY-GETS REALLY STARTLED TO SEE ME LIKE THIS AND SCAMPERS AWAY IN FRIGHT! WHO CARES WHAT ROMEO THINKS? I WILL BE NICE AND GLOWING WITH SILKY SOFT,SHINY HAIR WHEN I MEET THE GURLS!! YIPPEE!! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!! THOUGH I DO FOR A MOMENT WONDER AS TO HOW I WILL DISGUISE THE SMELL OF THE FOUR EGG YOLKS THAT I HAVE ANOINTED RATHER LIBERALLY IN MY HAIR. CHALO NEVER MIND!! WILL GIVE THE GURLS NOSE PLUGS (DO SUCH PLUGS EXIST??) AND THEY CAN BREATHE,TALK AND EAT ALL AT THE SAME TIME THROUGH THEIR RATHER PRETTY LITTLE MOUTHS!!

MAD MUSINGS ASIDE, I DO FINALLY MAKE IT FOR THE MUCH AWAITED/DREADED LUNCH LOOKING REASONABLY PRESENTABLE AND JUST FAINTLY SMELLING OF EGG AND DAHI. I USE MY GUCCI GUILTY QUITE LIBERALLY OVER MY BLOW DRIED HAIR AND JUST PRETEND THAT EVERY ONES GONE MAD WHEN THEY TWITCH THEIR NOSES AND CRINKLE UP THEIR FACES. I ORDER A MARTINI, SOUP,STARTER,MAIN COURSE AND TWO DESSERTS. I GOSSIP, I LAUGH, I BITCH, I PRETEND,I POSTURE BUT THROUGH IT ALL I REALISE THAT I REALLY LOVE THESE GURLS AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY MY MONTHLY LUNCHEONS WITH THEM. SO WHAT IF I GO A LITTLE CRAZED AND ACT HYPER JUST BEFORE THE ACTUAL EVENT?? ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND THIS ENDS SUPERBLY!!! DON'T THINK THAT I CAN EITHER EAT OR DRINK FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS BUT THEN THAT'S ANOTHER STORY ALTOGETHER!!! CHEERIO!!

Monday, 31 October 2011

THE ART OF WAR!!!! SHEEBA ISHTYLE!!!

THERE'S THIS POST DOING THE ROUNDS CURRENTLY WHICH IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF!! FOUR OF MY MALE FRIENDS (THE GENDER IS UNDERSTANDABLE ONCE YOU READ IT BELOW) HAVE FORWARDED IT TO ME IN THE PAST THREE DAYS ON MY BLACKBERRY. IT'S LIKE THE MALE HOLY GRAIL!!THESE ARE THE RULES THEY WANT US ,WOMEN TO LIVE BY!! MY BLOODY LEFT FOOT!! SO, NOT TO BE OUTDONE I HAVE GIVEN MY OWN APPROPRIATE REJOINDERS TO EACH AND EVERY POINT RAISED, SO HERE GOES!!! I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP THE FEMALE FLAG FLYING HIGH SO LET THE WAR GAMES BEGIN!! AMEN!!!

(CAVE) MAN RULES(!!!!):---

1) MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS (FIRST AND FOREMOST RULE).

MY REJOINDER:- WOMEN AREN'T MIND READERS EITHER!! JUST BY "PHULAOING" YOUR FACE AND LOOKING LIKE "GOLGAPPAS" WE CAN'T AUTOMATICALLY DECIPHER WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVEY!!! SO SPELL IT OUT LITERALLY!!!

2) LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP,YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

MY REJOINDER:- YOU MEN ( AND THIS HOLDS TRUE FOR ALL OF YOU IN EVERY AGE BRACKET!) LEARN TO WORK YOUR AIM AND POINT IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PIDDLE INSIDE THE TOILET BOWL AND NOT AROUND IT!! I DON'T AND I MEAN DON'T WANT TO BE ASSAILED WITH STINKY YELLOW PUDDLES THE MOMENT I STEP INSIDE THE BLOODY LOO!!! GET THAT! HOLD THAT DAMN THING WHEN YOU POINT AND PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS AFTERWARDS!! THAT'S WHAT SOAP, WATER AND THE SINK ARE FOR!!!!

3) SUNDAY SPORTS.IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.

MY REJOINDER:- SO IS "NIGELLAS KITCHEN","THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL", "THE VAMPIRE DIARIES" AND "BIG BOSS"!!! WHY DON'T YOU LET THAT BE TOO! WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT WE WILL WATCH WHAT WE PLEASE ON THE T.V!! SO QUIT THE GROANING AND MOANING!! LEAVE THAT FOR BETWEEN THE SHEETS!! STOP BEHAVING AS IF YOU WILL BE PHYSICALLY SICK EVERY TIME THE DARNED IDIOT BOX PLAYS ANY OF THE AFORE MENTIONED PROGRAMS!!!

4) CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

MY REJOINDER:-- TYPICAL MALE REACTION!! WHEN WE SHED TEARS WE ARE GENUINELY MOVED OR TOUCHED OR FRUSTRATED OR SAD OR ANGRY!! WE ARE JUST SO MUCH MORE IN TOUCH WITH OUR FEELINGS AND HAVE NO SHAME IN EXPRESSING THEM. UNLIKE YOU MEN ,WE JUST DON'T BLANK THINGS OUT AND PRETEND THAT EVERY THING'S HUNKY DORY WHEN IT ISN'T. WE ARE SENSITIVE,CARING AND COMPASSIONATE CREATURES WHO REALLY DO CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE AROUND US AND OUR ENVIRONMENT!! SO BOO-HOO TO YOU!!!!!

5) ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!!

MY REJOINDER:-EXACTLY MY POINT!! WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING WORK TOWARDS IT (THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT! AND "SABER/MEHNAT KA FAL HAMESHA MEETHA HOTA HAI" WINK! WINK! YOU FOLKS KNOW WHAT I AM ALLUDING TO! SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK AND OBVIOUS HINTS LIKE GRABBING  PARTS OF OUR ANATOMY LIKE A PRE-PUBESCENT TEENAGER, DEFINITELY DOES NOT WORK AND IN FACT COULD BE QUITE DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR GENERAL HEATH AND WELL BEING!! WELL AIMED AND WELL PLACED KICKS TO THE RIGHT PARTS OF YOUR ANATOMY COULD DO SERIOUS DAMAGE TO YOU, SO BEWARE!!

6) YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

MY REJOINDER:- AGREED!! SO WHEN I SAY NO IT MEANS NO AND NO AMOUNT OF PLEADING/CAJOLING/THROWING A TANTRUM WILL WORK!! IF I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THAT SILLY CORPORATE EVENT THAT YOUR COMPANY IS SPONSORING I WILL NOT GO!!! SO QUIT WHIMPERING AND FACE IT LIKE THE STRONG MAN YOU PROPOUND TO BE!!! IF I SAY YES IT MEANS YES AND NO AMOUNT OF DOOMS DAY SCENARIOS/BRAIN WASHING/EMOTIONAL ATYACHAR WILL MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND!! SO QUIT YOUR SUPREME COURT ADVOCATE ACT!! AS IT IS YOU ARE DOING A LOUSY JOB AND YES YOU HAVE TO ACCOMPANY ME TO PAMMI AUNTIE'S SISTER'S DAUGHTER'S WEDDING WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE A CHOICE!!!

7) COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

MY REJOINDER:-WHEN WE MARRY YOU,GO THROUGH LABOUR PAINS TO HAVE YOUR BRATTY CHILDREN,TOLERATE YOUR PESKY LEECH TYPE OF RELATIVES, TOLERATE ALL YOUR NOXIOUS FUMES AND EMISSIONS, AT THE VERY LEAST WE EXPECT YOU TO LISTEN TO US WHEN WE HAVE A PROBLEM OR WHEN SOMETHING IS BOGGING US DOWN!! TELL ME LADIES, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??? IN FACT ISN'T THAT WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT? SHARING AND CARING? AND WHEN WE SHARE AND CARE WELL BEYOND WHAT IS DEEMED APPROPRIATE, IS IT UNFAIR TO EXPECT OUR PARTNER TO BE AROUND FOR US WHEN WE JUST WANT TO VENT OR MOUTH OFF OR USE THEM AS A SOUNDING BOARD? NOT EVERY PROBLEM HAS A BLACK AND WHITE SOLUTION! SOMETIMES TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER AND DISCUSSING THE PROS AND CONS OF A SITUATION JUST HELPS IN GIVING US THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE!! SO WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH THAT OR SO EARTH SHATTERING??!! KINDLY SPARE US THE EXASPERATED SIGHS, RAISED EYEBROWS AND THE EYE-BALL ROLLING!! WE CAN DO PLENTY OF THE LATTER IF WE WEREN'T SUCH KIND, GENEROUS/MAGNANIMOUS SOULS!!!

8) ANYTHING WE SAID SIX MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER SEVEN DAYS.

MY REJOINDER:-THIS ONE REALLY SUITS ME FINE!!! THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING UP , FOR INSTANCE,WHAT I SAID TO THE LECHEROUS BITTOO BHAIYA ON OUR SANGEET NIGHT  EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO???!!!AGREED IT CAUSED A MINOR TURBULENCE IN THE FAMILY AND YOUR PREETA MAASI ALMOST HAD A MINI NERVOUS BREAKDOWN BUT THEN WHAT'S DONE IS DONE SO WHY BRING IT UP NOW??? AND JUST TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT IF ANYBODY TRIES TO FEEL UP MY CUTE BOTTOM, HOWEVER CLOSELY RELATED THEY MIGHT BE TO YOU, THEY WILL ALWAYS GET A HARD SPANK ON THEIR HAND AND A HARSH TALKING TO!!!! JUST ACCEPT IT AND BROADCAST IT FAR AND WIDE!!!

9) IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

MY REJOINDER:- WELL,TO THAT I CAN ONLY SAY THAT IF YOU THINK YOU ARE BALD, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US!! AND NOW I WILL NOT CALL UP DR BATRA'S CLINIC FOR YOU (SINCE YOU ARE TOO EMBARASSED) AND LISTEN TO SOME IRRITATING IDIOT WHO KEEPS DRONING ON AND ON FOR THIRTY MINUTES  IN A NASAL VOICE ABOUT SOME MIRACULOUS HAIR GROWING MEDICINE WHICH COMES IN TEN ML BOTTLES COSTING TWENTY GRAND PER BOTTLE!! YOU ARE WELCOME TO MAKE ALL SUCH CALLS YOURSELF!

10) IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY,WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

MY REJOINDER:- BHAI WAH!!! HOW CONVENIENT IS THAT!! ALWAYS TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT AND PRETEND THAT YOU NEVER MEANT TO BE SARCASTIC OR CAUSTIC OR PLAIN NASTY!!! IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO BE THEN WHY DID YOU SAY IT? AND ONCE YOU SAY WHATEVER MEAN/SARCASTIC/CAUSTIC THING THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY THEN WHY CANT YOU STAND YOUR GROUND AND FIGHT IT OUT LIKE A MAN!! WHAT'S ALL THIS YOU ARE TOO HYPER-SENSITIVE BULLSHIT? DON'T BLAME ME FOR YOUR NASTINESS AND REMEMBER EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION!!! BASIC PHYSICS COWBOY!!!!

11) YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING. OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

MY REJOINDER:- PLEASE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT GOD GAVE YOU BRAWN AND US THE FAIRER SEX, THE BRAIN!!!! SO SOMETIMES TO ACCOMPLISH A TASK WE JUST NEED YOUR BRUTE STRENGTH AND ADDED HEIGHT,BUT THE STRATEGY TO ACCOMPLISH THE SAID TASK IS OURS AND ONLY OURS!!! SO GET USED TO FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS AND MOVE THAT FAT ASS PRONTO!!!

12) WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY, DURING COMMERCIALS.

MY REJOINDER:- TO THE ABOVE THEN I WILL SAY THAT WHENEVER YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOMETHING  TO EAT , PLEASE DO SO ONLY DURING THE COMMERCIALS. KINDLY DO NOT KEEP BADGERING AND HARASSING ME TO FIRST GET YOU THE BEER, THEN THE CHIPS,THEN THE BLOODY DAHI GARLIC DIP, THEN THE ROASTED MASALA PEANUTS AND THEN THE BUTTER LOVERS POPCORN AND SO ON AND SO FORTH!!! LEARN TO HELP YOURSELF! A LITTLE EXERCISE CAN'T POSSIBLY HARM YOU. MAY IN FACT BE GOOD FOR YOU.

13) CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

MY REJOINDER:- CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WAS AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!! YOU ARE NOT!! YOU ARE THE RULE AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE PATHETIC ROAD SENSE!! JUST BY GOING ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES WE WILL NOT REACH OUR DARNED DESTINATION!! THERE'S NO HARM IN JUST STOPPING A PASSERBY AND ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!! IN FACT WE WILL VOLUNTEER TO DO IT FOR YOU IF WE ARE WITH YOU IN THE SAME VEHICLE ,IF ONLY YOU COULD  SWALLOW YOUR FRAGILE EGO AND PRIDE FOR A MOMENT AND ADMIT THAT YOU ARE LOST!!!

14) ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16  COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

MY REJOINDER:- OKAY WE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE COLOR BLIND BUT THEN AT LEAST LET US HELP YOU IN OVERCOMING THIS HANDICAP!!!BY BLINDLY REFUTING EVERY COLOR IDEA WE PROPOSE, DOESN'T REALLY HELP YOUR CASE!! OPEN YOUR MIND AND EYES AND SEE THE WORLD IN ALL IT'S MYRIAD HUES!

15) IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.

MY REJOINDER:-IF YOU FOLLOW THE BASIC RULES OF HYGIENE IT WILL NOT ITCH!! WE GUARANTEE THAT!! ALL THAT YOU HAVE DO IS USE THAT LOOFAH AND FANCY BODY GEL GRACING YOUR BATHROOM CABINET!! IN FACT THAT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO AFTER SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS ( GOD ALONE KNOWS DOING WHAT!!) IN THE LOO!!!

16) IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY  "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

 MY REJOINDER:-WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER!! SO HENCEFORTH IF THE SITUATION IS REVERSED WE WILL ACT IN EXACTLY THE SAME MANNER AND NOT ALLOW YOU TO DO A "BHEJA-FRY" WITH US. WE WILL PRETEND THAT ALL'S WELL WITH THE WORLD! YOUR FEELINGS AND FLUCTUATING MOODS BE DAMNED!!

17) IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

MY REJOINDER:- AGREED!!! SO NOW DON'T KEEP ASKING ME IF YOUR PAUNCH IS STICKING OUT IN YOUR PINK SHIRT!! I AM SICK TO DEATH OF PUSSY FOOTING AROUND YOU ON ALL TOPICS CONCERNING YOUR VANITY!! I WILL TELL YOU THEN THAT YOU ARE LOOKING TWELVE MONTHS PREGNANT WITH QUADRUPLETS!! DON'T THEN ROAM AROUND WITH A HANG DOG EXPRESSION AND MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY!!

18) WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

MY REJOINDER:- THIS ONE REALLY MAKES ME LAUGH BECAUSE ITS SUCH A LOAD OF CRAP!!!!UTTER AND TOTAL BULLSHIT!! YOU CENSOR OUR CLOTHES NON-STOP WHEN WE GET DRESSED TO GO TO A PARTY!!!SO TO SAVE TIME AND EFFORT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE US TO BLOODY WEAR!! ITS LIKE A RUNNING CRICKET COMMENTARY--THIS DRESS IS TOO SHORT/TOO TIGHT, YOUR CLEAVAGE IS SHOWING/YOUR ASS IS SHOWING/SOMETIMES EVEN YOUR ARMS ARE SHOWING, THE LIPSTICK IS TOO RED/ THE BLUSH IS TOO PINK/THE PERFUME IS TOO STRONG!! WHAT THE SHIT? WHY DON'T WE JUST MIGRATE TO SAUDI ARABIA AND I WILL ONLY WEAR HIJAABS WITH SEQUINS WITH ONLY MY KOHL LINED EYES SHOWING!!

19) DON'T ASK US WHAT WE RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS TOPICS SUCH AS FOOTBALL OR CRICKET.

MY REJOINDER:-WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!! PERIOD!!! IT JUST DRIVES OUR BLOOD PRESSURE UP!!OUR WORLD CAN BE COLLAPSING AROUND US-THE MAID ELOPES WITH THE DRIVER, THE COOK RUNS AWAY, TERMITES TAKE UP PERMANENT RESIDENCE IN OUR LIVING ROOM, BRAT NUMBER ONE FAILS MATHS , BRAT NUMBER TWO HAS BOILS ALL OVER HIS BODY BUT ALL THAT YOU BLOODY THINK OF IS GOLF OR FOOTBALL OR CRICKET!!! HOW WOULD SUCH MUNDANE/DOMESTIC ISSUES BOTHER YOU!!

20) YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

MY REJOINDER:- YOU HAVE ENOUGH GREY STRIPED SUITS!! SO  KINDLY IMMEDIATELY ABORT PLANS OF ADDING A FIFTEENTH ONE TO YOUR RATHER EXHAUSTIVE YET DRAB COLLECTION. PLUS YOUR SUIT DEFINITELY COSTS MORE THAN MY DRESS!! SO PLEASE ZIP UP ON THIS ONE!!

21) YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

MY REJOINDER:-SO DO YOU!! PLUS YOU HAVE THE MORE EXPENSIVE TOD'S AND L.V VARIETY!! WE MAKE DO WITH ZARA, NINE WEST AND ALDO!!!

22) I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE.

MY REJOINDER:-FINE!! THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP AND ACCEPT THAT I AM A SHAPE TOO-APPLE, PEAR WHATEVER!! WHAT IS THIS HOUR-GLASS FIGURE YOU KEEP BLABBERING ABOUT!!!DOUBLE STANDARDS TO THE NTH DEGREE!!! IT'S NOT HAPPENING AND IT'S NOT FAIR. SO KINDLY QUIT GLARING AT ME EVERY TIME I REACH OUT FOR A PARANTHA OR A PASTRY! CURVES ARE IN AND I AM VERY CURVACEOUS!!!