My dirty,little secret!!!

"Ishq bina kya marna yara
ishq bina kya jeena.
Tum ne ishq ka naam
sunna hai, humne ishq
kiya hai!"

Love the above lyrics from a very popular song and really identify with them. "Ishq","mohabat","pyaar","ibadat"-like a slightly rustic friend of mine put it-" ishq kis jeev,jantu,pakshi ka naam hai??? Hai kya yeh cheez jo itna rulayein or itna hasayein??" To put it in the Queens language ,he meant -what is this strange thing called love that mystifies,fascinates,drives us crazy,makes us cry and definitely makes us laugh!! What is this wondrous,elusive,evasive thing and how many of us can truly claim to have experienced it! Yes, i am pretty sure that all of us have experienced love in some measure in our lives and in it's myriad forms but here i am not talking about that half baked,luke warm stuff-i am talking about the earth shattering,nerve wracking,gut wrenching,breathless feeling which makes or breaks you!

I am talking intense,soul mate stuff where you feel that the other person was created for you and you exist just to be with him and vice versa and everything is so perfect, though in reality it may really be completely imperfect yet you are oblivious to the obvious! Yes darlings that's my dirty,little secret! That's the stuff that fascinates me,excites me and gets my juices-creative i might add-flowing! And let me confess that i long for it and crave for it! What can be more gratifying and fulfilling than actually finding that special someone who just completes you,who makes you whole again,who makes life worth living,who adds colour to the dull greys of your life and banishes monotony,routine and boredom!!

 But where is this wondrous creature who will breathe new life into the utter monotony of  life?? And more seriously am i or say you ,even allowed to think these sacrilegious thoughts and have these wild fantasies when we are locked in the holy bond of matrimony!! Isn't it taboo to talk about such controversial stuff openly and be so blase in this utterly suffocating,hypocritical society that we live in??

Will i now be classified as a loose,characterless,immoral harlot?! A scarlet woman so to say! Come on! Open your minds a bit! We are living in the twenty first century and who are we kidding?! The amount of back door,sneaky romances that are happening in our immediate vicinity would astound many!!! But my lips are sealed shut forever! I am certainly not advocating adultery here-please don't get me wrong but what i am saying is that don't be so preachy and moralistic! Live and let live! Appearances are very deceptive and who knows whats happening behind closed doors! As human beings our first and foremost duty is to ourselves and only when we are happy ourselves can we do justice to people who depend on us! As a writer, i just feel that i have the artistic,creative license to talk about and write about contentious issues so please bear with me and indulge me a bit!! Don't act all moral and prissy about it!!

 Is marriage the be all and end all of life? Are you supposed to subjugate all your desires,hopes and dreams just because you are married to someone? And let's be honest-let's just drop all the hypocrisy and moral crap for now-how many of us-both men and women really feel fulfilled by our current partners and let me reiterate here that what i am saying does not mean that the folk that we are married to are not accomplished,decent people-of course they are and that's why we married them and stay married to them-i am talking about the magic,the insanity and passion that you feel when you are with that special, maybe i agree non existent someone!!

I know a lot of you may argue that the magic,passion etc has to do with the newness of a relationship and therefore fades with time till it reaches a stage where its non-existent and life goes on auto-pilot mode! I DISAGREE AND VEHEMENTLY SO!!! I think that when you are a with a soul mate or with the person that you are meant to be with ,then that passion may diminish somewhat but it never disappears-all that it takes is a small spark to re-ignite it and you are once again transported to la-la land!

Let's now talk in terms of the Indian society-most of us marry pretty young or at least our generation married relatively young-and i think that it's the stupidest thing to do-not because our partners are not nice or personable or intelligent-usually they are-very much so but because we had no clue as to what we really wanted from life and what marriage truly entailed. Initially at least, it's all about fancy dinners, late nights at the discotheque, pretty clothes and jewellery!! That's it! There is no real recognition of our needs or for that matter our partner's needs and what we really want or desired from our life or our spouses!! It's usually a whirl wind of cacophony ,colour and chaos in the Indian context!! And one thing naturally leads to another-we have our kids,decades pass and now we are firmly entrenched in the family routine!! Does it sound familiar?!

Sigh!! I am sure that you would agree with me that the family routine is great-it is and  that we all have fantastic times at times but as an individual,as a living,breathing,feeling human being, feel lost sometimes.Feel over whelmed by the never ending sameness. We go about living our life in a proper,correct manner as befitting our role in society but something in us  is just dying to be set free! We long to feel the sunshine on our face and the cool breeze in our hair!  We long to be just 'me'-just me without the encumbrances and baggage of society! Like Osho said "a woman is to be loved..not understood...that is the first understanding."

Yes, i want to be loved too just because i am me-there has to be no logic to it and certainly no understanding!! I want to experience magic,i want to dance till dawn and then watch the sunset ,i want to sleep all day, drink wine and listen to Mozart and Bach all afternoon,i want to go for a toe curling ride in a fast car with the top down!!

Yes! I want all this and more!! And some of you may frown in disapproval and twitter about my blasphemy behind my back but i truly don't care a shit!! It's my life and i will dream all i want!! There can be no moral licenses imposed just on day dreaming!!  And i do realise that this is also a lot of posturing,fantasising,conjuring and bravado on my part and that i may never get the opportunity to experience the so called "true love" of my life because i have missed the boat and that now it's too late and even if i do,i may not then have the courage or the guts to grab it because of the other loving ties i am enmeshed in but i will still dream,hope and pray that one day this handsome,rakish,utterly irresistible angel will descend on earth and kiss me awake from my very loooonnng slumber quite akin to Sleeping Beauty!!!


Yeah! Okay! Laugh and snigger all you want but i will carry on hoping and dreaming for that Utopian fantasy to come true!

I hope to live tomorrow and be able to write again after Mr. C reads this particular piece!! Wish me luck that i do survive and am not permanently banned from blogging!! Let me again reiterate that this is not just a personal referendum-it's what i see happening around me with alarming regularity!!!