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Sunday, 13 November 2011

The only rule of love-- "sax,sax and even more sax!!"

Have just started reading this book "The forty rules of love" by Elif Shafak. All my girl-friends were raving about it so i thought what the hell-"padh lete hain shayad koi vishesh tipnees mil jayein life or love ke baare mein aur shayad es banjar zameen per koi phool khil jayein!"

 Mr. C though was very amused and kept teasing me mercilessly that forty rules were too much and that there was only one sure shot way to garner a man's love and affection and that was through the "sax,sax and even more sax" route!!! I was pretty disgusted by this (profound??) revelation as i had always mistakenly thought that the way to a man's heart if nothing else works, lies through his stomach (that's acceptable enough) but now was informed that the shortest route is via his Penis!!

Oh the bloody Penis! What a bloody trouble maker and pain in the ass it is, literally and figuratively !I think it's the root cause of all the ills plaguing our society today. If it wasn't there, 90 % of all our troubles would vanish.! The world would stabilise, the scandals would disappear, a fantastic, effective President like Bill Clinton would not come close to impeachment, Strauss Kahn of the I.M.F would not have been jailed for allegedly molesting a hotel maid and playing catch-catch with her all over the hotel suite naked, the Ex- Prime Minister of Italy-Berlusconi would not be busting up millions of Lira's on "Bunga-Bunga" parties with paid escorts and companions and our very own N.D Tiwari would not be caught romping in bed with two women at the ripe old age of seventy five!!! 

Too much raving and ranting about such a little, indescript organ so lets get back to Mr.C and his, in my opinion, rather crude comment.I wasn't too amused and gave him really disapproving looks-here we were talking about deep,intense,life changing emotion and feeling and all that most of you men could think of, was well, pleasures of the flesh!! Quite disheartening and heart-breaking really and again highlights the stark difference between men and women!! For most women i think, love is an all consuming,insane,logic defying,abiding sacrosanct feeling that is all about the mental,emotional and then physical connect. The physicality always comes later ,initially it's always the mental involvement .Most women are in love with the idea of love and have grown up on a steady diet of  "Mills n Boons" and tall,dark handsome strangers who suddenly appear and sweep us off our feet!

I confess that to a certain degree we do romanticise love in our  heads where we expect sweet nothings from our beloved via calls,text messages,bbms. We also want to be courted and wooed, we want long stemmed red roses, shero-shayari,wine ,low-cal french food (if it exists) ,diet chocolate truffle pastries(if they do exist too!) and then a kiss! For most women, please note, the kiss is actually more important than the actual act itself. It's a defining moment when two pairs of lips  meet-it could actually cement or completely mar the fledgling relationship!! We dream about it,the kiss that is,fantasise about it,obsess about it,definitely talk about it and read up about it. We are walking-talking encyclopedias on the french kiss,the deep throated kiss etc etc. We want tenderness and passion,we want intensity and caring,we want bells to peal and angels to descend. Whereas for most men a kiss and declarations of love are just an easy route to get us into bed and bonk us! Chaloji , doh  minute madamji ko kiss kar lo and i love you baby bol lo aur phir masti aur mauj- wham,bam karo aur thank you maam bolo aur kalti ho jao!!

in fact read a really cute joke on the same lines which is very reflective on how men and women think and how behaviorally different we are as a species:-

A rooster goes into the hen house every day and kisses 9 out of the ten hens and pulls a feather out of the 10th hen. The rooster does this for 10 days and on the 11th day, the 10th hen says "excuse me, why do you come in here every day and kiss all the other hens  and completely ignore me and only pull 1 of my feathers?" " I feel so hurt,unwanted and neglected", says the hen.
The rooster pauses for a second and says "i like all of the other hens and so i kiss them, but you baby, i love and want to see you naked!!"

So there! Couldn't have put my point across better! Men do feel all emotion through their bloody dicks!!It's their one eyed barometer for all things relevant in their life. When they are up, it's up, in all it's resplendent glory twitching around and when they are down, it's down, lying all shrivelled up and withered, in hibernation!! Their heart is only for artery clogging cholesterol and heart attacks whereas we women  are bloody emotional fools/ idiots that wear our hearts on our sleeves and sacrifice our lives/ identities/goals/ambitions for the sake of happy and harmonious relationships with these boorish,crass, unfeeling, stony-hearted men!!

It seems that all we, women, have to do ,to have you, men, wound around our little fingers is to have sex with you-sitting,standing,lying down or maybe in the shower and then promptly disengage, roll over in bed and doze off to sleep and have the room reverberate with our deep,resonating snores!!! Bus behenji, that's what it takes!So just relax and stop agonising! You have just discovered the secret mantra to ever lasting love and affection with your mate!!!So please don't waste your time,effort,energy reading up back-dated issues ofcosmo's/vogue's and the various self help books on love,romance,foreplay and after play and just concentrate on the various gymnastic poses of love-making as popularised by the Kamasutra. Lotus style,butterfly style,doggy style,man on top,woman on top-all styles work as long as the end result remains the same -the big O for your hubby/partner dearest!!

So i am now officially trashing "The forty rules of love" into the bin and concentrating on "Lady Chatterley's lover". Maybe will get a tip or two in that book on how to ensnare my man and keep him mine forever!! Adios amigos!!! Keep practising your kamasutric positions and start reading up on Tantric sex-it will serve you better than the "ten new ways of redecorating your living room" that you are currently reading in Women's era!!!