I think i have finally come to terms with the realisation that i am getting older or lets put it more delicately getting more mature with the advancing years-i don't think that's very delicate but what the hell!! A spade is a spade is a spade!! This shocking information came to light in the form of my recent birthday party which turned out to be quite a rocking affair but i have decided that in the future i want a quieter celebration ceremony. I would just rather go out with my family including our parents and kids to a favourite restaurant for dinner and maybe crack open a bottle of champagne and really spend quality time with my loved ones and talk and chat and laugh and discuss and really build some enduring,everlasting memories.
Another thing that really gets me bogged down these days is getting dressed to go out. It usually takes me two hours and nineteen outfit changes and causes considerable irritation to Mr. C who is expected to give a running commentary as i try and model each outfit, desperately seeking his approval !!! Some clothes that i had purchased, suddenly look baggy and frumpy and others look too tight and short/slutty. Oh! the dilemmas of having a closet full of clothes. Another aspect that really makes me feel that i am past my "use by date" is the fact that i can't wear my killer heels anymore for sustained periods of time.I used to be able to run in them till a few years back or at least dance the night away!! Now in a couple of hours of wearing them, i am cringing and grimacing and dying to get rid of them!!
I have decided now that i would rather be comfortable than be sexy!! That's actually my new mantra! Comfort over looks any day! But it's quite sad though, because even if i blow my own trumpet, i have the most awesome collection of stilettos!! I have them in all colours-black being the most predominant but i also have red,fuchsia,turquoise,yellow,green,various shades of brown,golden,silver and every other colour conceivable. They are my pride and joy. In fact, my shoe wardrobe is ten times better and more extensive than my dress wardrobe because i always believe that shoes or let's say the right accessories can make or break an outfit!!I have so many times worn the simplest of dresses with the most gorgeous heels and have got compliments galore!! I think wearing heels just improves your posture and figure! But sigh!! those days are firmly in the past!!
Well back to my current birthday party-it actually got me thinking of my younger days. In those golden!!! days , i probably would have dressed to the nines (the nines being a tight,short,flashy,trashy dress with strappy,sparkly,shamefully uncomfortable stilettos and not much else!!) I would have danced too much,drank too much,laughed too much,maybe flirted a little and probably would have woken up on the bathroom floor in a mess with a raging headache and blistered feet. Not a very pretty sight indeed! This seems to be the general pattern of my birthdays in my "younger years". So although it maybe depressing to admit that age and maturity are finally catching up with me after two kids, and countless lessons learnt, i can proudly say that i awoke on the day after my birthday comfortably in bed! No major headache,no hangover and certainly no mess to clean up. I guess growing up is not all that bad at all!!
The flip side to the above is that now i feel i have lost my zest for life somewhere,that chutzpah that people found attractive and appealing about me is gone,disappeared,evaporated!!That madness, the craziness,the daring,that never say die spirit is missing! I was always up and game for anything,my enthusiasm and joie-de-verve was infectious!!Sometimes when i think back to years ago, i wonder with some tinge of forlornness that what happened to that young woman with big dreams and even bigger drive? I wonder where that part of me went that wanted to achieve greatness? I know the dreams are still in me but i excuse them at the drop of a hat....i push them aside with the justification that i have children who need me,responsibilities to tend to. I convince myself that my dreams are unachievable and that is a terrible thing to do to yourself.
These days i aim for passable rather than perfection. I strive to have happy kids, rather than make the kids of Africa happy!! I don't jump for joy at some good news or hoot and holler and wail when sometimes i hear bad news! I still have goals...they are just simpler and often seem unrewarding in a sense. I try and get things done little by little and force myself through each day. I try to smile and make others smile around me. It actually makes me feel despondent that everything i do has to be a concerted effort! The things that i took for granted earlier don't come naturally to me anymore,that i have to push,goad and motivate myself to do every goddamn little thing!!Pissing off!!
So this year, i remind myself that yes although i have kids who need my care,love and attention to be happy, i also need to be happy as well. I need to remember that the happier i am,the better i will be as a parent. I need to remind myself that sometimes life can wait and that dreams no matter how big or small are worth at least trying to achieve.The worst that can happen is failure and even failure is a lesson learnt,thus success in some sense.
So i have decided that the next year is going to be all about me because i deserve at least one year of attention i think!!I am going to quit making excuses for myself and do what makes me happy,even if it seems hard or wrong for you!! Like a stuck,scratchy record i will reiterate,that right and wrong is very subjective and frankly now i care a damn!! I will do what's right for me and not what's right in the eyes of the world!! It's my life and i will live it as i see fit-the disapproving faces and tongues can butt out!!