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Thursday, 17 May 2012

LOVE ME...HATE ME EVEN BUT PLEASE DON'T IGNORE ME!!!

This particular piece is dedicated to all the apathetic,insensitive and indifferent people who take their partners/spouses completely for granted and couldn't care less!! Wake up and smell the coffee you cruel jerks-there is nothing worse in life than treating the ones closest to you as objects of convenience and facilitators,as things rather than thinking and feeling human beings!! Another clarification-this is not a personal referendum on my marriage, so please no panicky,concerned messages from my family or closest friends commiserating with me.

I am commenting about the general state of affairs and what i see happening around me ,more and more as a rule nowadays rather than an exception!!! Indifference and apathy especially in a marriage has become a malaise, a disease afflicting all of us to some degree or the other and which needs to be tackled at the very base level if we are to preserve the relationships closest to our hearts..
 
 
So here goes...quoting from my favourite authors...highlighting how much indifference wounds,damages and actually destroys people and relationships!
  • "At the bottom of enmity between strangers lies indifference."
  • "Because of indifference,one dies before one actually dies. "
  • "Forgiveness is indifference.Forgiveness is impossible while love lasts." 
  • "I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion."
  • "Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike."
  • "Indifference may not wreck a mans life at any one turn,but it will destroy him with a kind of dry rot in the long run."
  • "People are what you make of them.A scornful look turns into a complete fool  a man of average intelligence. A contemptuous indifference turns into an enemy, a devil, a woman,who well treated might have been an angel."
  • "The most destructive criticism is indifference."
  • "There is nothing harder than the softness of indifference."
  • "Most of us have no real loves or real hatreds. Blessed is love,less blessed is hatred,but thrice accursed is that indifference which is neither one nor the other." 
Therefore, the above leads me to conclude that the true opposite of love is not hate but indifference.Hate, bad as it is, at least treats you like a human being,whereas indifference turns you into an "it",a thing. This is why we may say that there is actually one thing worse than evil itself and that is indifference to evil. In human relationships the nadir of morality,the lowest point as far as ethics are concerned,is manifest in the phrase, "i couldn't care less".


Hate is the other side of love and shows at least energy,passion,effort and commitment. Probably most of us feel surges of hate at some time or another,especially towards those that we love most. We can deal with this if we realise that these moments will pass and be forgiven. But indifference and apathy can become a disease of the spirit so pervasive that their darkness envelops everything. Then life is stifled and throttled at the root. If we don't value the people around us,they will feel our lack of caring as striking at the very heart of their humanity. If we have no time for life,then life and those close to us will have no time for us and will eventually drift away.

People often assume that extreme anger,frustration,jealousy or even hate are the emotions that are the most worrisome in a relationship. But i feel this is not the case. Strong reactions are more positive signs than indifference or apathy because even when negative emotions are involved,at least you know that the marriage is still bringing about strong emotions and reactions and strong emotions are only evoked when the other person matters or makes a difference to your life.

If the spouse did not care or were not still invested, you would not see the anger,fear or jealousy. Indifference is an indication that a spouse has almost completely withdrawn or checked out of the marriage. This often means that they are no longer listening,participating or engaging in response to the relationship. This usually spells the death knell for your relationship and you should immediately begin some steps to rehabilitate it before the apathy deepens and it becomes too late. It's so sad to see when marital responsibilities are carried out only due to a sense of duty and obligation and not due to desire,when there is no passion or motivation and communication is restricted to a bare minimum.
 
 
"Hating requires caring. In which case,i couldn't possibly hate you because i don't care." That my dear friends is a sad,unsaid and eloquent truth!!

At the risk of repetition....the opposite of love is not hate.......it's apathy. It's not giving a damn. If somebody hates me, they must "feel" something....or they couldn't possibly hate. Therefore ,there is some way in which i can get to them. But when there's nothingness...there's just a black hole and whatever you do or say just gets sucked in and lost in that never ending abyss!!!
 
 
Always remember that love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayal.It dies of illness and wounds.It dies of weariness,of witherings,of tarnishings. It dies when its existence ceases to matter.
I would rather a romantic relationship turn into contempt than turn into apathy. The passion in the extremities make it appear as though it once meant something. We grow from hot to cold,but lukewarm,to my mind,is the biggest insult.
 
 
Apathy,unconcern,indifference,lack of interest,lack of emotion-it's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful. It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out. It happens when couples fill their individual lives with other people,events,interests and pursuits to the point that the otherness is preferred over togetherness.It's when your husband stops chasing you. It happens when a couple shares a bed and not much else. It's when you look at him and wonder where your husband went. It's when he looks at you and he is too exhausted to try anymore.

So my darlings, the moral of the story is that never let your relationship with your partner turn lukewarm!! If there can't be abiding love all the time and there can never be then go ahead ,fight,argue,debate,discuss...if need be even shout,scream,abuse,yell at each other,tear each others hair and eyes out,break the china,scandalise your neighbours...let your frustrations,irritations and anger be known and expressed...please don't bottle them up inside...at all costs, guard against the surly silences,denial and disinterest!! Tackle it head on..nip the wretched thing in the bud...confront it head on...don't let it manifest itself in your relationship otherwise it will spread like a malignant cancer and destroy everything closest to your heart and kill your spirit!!